Cutting off friendships.

So I'm the kind of person who doesn't have many friends. I only need a few really good ones. And I really appreciate them. Or her. Just one her. (You know who you are)

Which is why it usually pains me when such friendships are cut off, because they all mean a lot to me. And I think I may be about to cut off one for the first time. Forever. Not just a fight, they're for children. Forever. I know it's probably the right choice to make, because it doesn't seem very healthy for me. I say that because I think about cutting this friendship off every time we have a conversation. That's not a very healthy friendship.

Recently, I was invited to a reunion by a bunch of secondary school friends. I got really excited and happy, because I felt like I'd just been validated by a bunch of people I've been subconciously trying to impress. I felt like I was good enough for them to remember me. But now I realise that these friends are merely mutual friends of the person I want to cut off. And the paranoia of him hurting me in front of all those people is making me realise that this meetup isn't worth it. I'd much rather enjoy being my introverted self.

I already have a mother with unpredictable moods and an explosive temper. I already have to deal with this anxiety at home. I don't see why I have to deal with this when it's merely my social life, when I'm an introvert. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to living my quiet life again. Which is why I've deleted the app we've been talking on, and muted him everywhere else. I know, not the boldest move. But it's something. 

FUCKING RELIGION.

So I was the one who wanted to attend church regularly ever since I was a kid. My parents' never obliged, because they thought I "wouldn't be able to wake up in time" (keeping in mind that there are services held later in the day). After my parents' divorce and my granddad's passing, we started attending a mega church.

The first few months were great, there was even one point where I had my "religious phase". I wasn't shoving religion down people's throats (at least I hope not), I was just unashamed of my religion. I attended the youth services for about a month before I got sick of the obnoxious teens there. In the midst of my depression and addictions, I went to church services alone at a cinema venue where I didn't really care about what the pastor was preaching and even got defensive about some of the messages. Then when I felt better, I went back to attending church with my Mom again. I even got baptised a few months ago, under my Mom's pressure and persuasion. I wasn't even ready. I had to shut off my emotions after being too nervous about it. I think some of the nerves came from watching a Bioshock Infinite gameplay where the pastor was baptising some dude and kept dunking his head under the water because he "wasn't clean enough", and I thought my pastor would never be done with me. I'm filthy.

As you can see, the whole religion thing has been a roller coaster. There were some religious days and there were some "fuck this shit" days. And while I still believe in the existence of a loving God, there is one thing that will never change- I'm always uncomfortable talking about my religion with other Christians. Unless we're discussing and debating logic and cool stories, I'm not going to share with you about my own personal relationship with this God. And unless you're the actual Jesus, don't you dare tell me what you think is the truth. Don't tell me what to feel or think. I appreciate your concern, but please don't pray with me, even if it's for me.

You see, my Mom is one of the people who shoves religion down other people's throats, especially mine. She tells me I'm not a "true Christian" because I don't do certain obsessive religious things. She thinks a lack of Christmas decorations are a sin. This is very clearly an invasion of my privacy. And so help me, if I hear one more religious sentence come out of her mouth, I'm going to explode. I'm going to stop going to church, and I'm going to write a very long post about why. The whole mega church thing is already playing a huge part of this decision.

We'll see what happens.

Not welcomed anywhere.

Sense of belonging is really important to me. It's the reason why I'm one hell of a patriotic Singaporean and why I (or at least used to) see myself as a decently loyal person. It's why I love all the communities on Tumblr. Why I love fandoms.

A little touchy and personal, but I don't feel like I belong in my own family. I feel like a fucking lone wolf. Both sides of the extended family hate me, and immediate family members like to fuck around with me and my feelings. As soon as I let my guard down, something reminds me to let it back up and trust no one. I have severe trust issues.

I leave a social group as soon as I get any of the slightest hints that I don't belong and they hate me. It's uncomfortable. The fact that I have no secure sense of belonging makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't belong anywhere. I suppose this is insecurity. And I hate it. As much as I enjoy my own company, I hate not having a home to go back to.

I don't belong anywhere. For now.

My social life.

Remember how I keep talking about envy? I suppose I'm a really envious person. And my envy for others is one reason why I decided that I would 'meet new people' during my first year in NYP. I see a lot of people with social lives and the thought of attending a beach party or a pool party or any party at all is just weirdly appealing, in a relaxed kind of way. I enjoy people and I enjoy the vibe of company. But I've come to realise that interacting with a large group of people is not my forte.

Whenever I tell someone that I genuinely enjoy my own company and I love being alone, they look at me like I'm a fucking psycho. But I do. I go for hour long walks at night on my own, I can't sleep without spending time alone with myself first, and I love running errands alone because it gives me a reason to get out of the house and spend some time 'alone'. What I mean by that, is that you could be surrounded by people but still be alone. Because you're not interacting with anyone or connecting with them on a deeper social level. And I find that very calming somehow.

But this isn't good for the portfolio/future résumé that I'm trying to beautify. I'm guessing that NYPSUJC is only recruiting extroverts with their own definition of leadership. I'm most definitely not an extrovert, and neither do I have charisma.  It's something I don't have much of. Knowing me, if I have something about myself I want to improve, I'll go find a way to do it and get it done. But do I want to be more charismatic? Yeah, sure. It'll make it easier to make friends, I think. But charismatic is something I'm not, and I treasure that fact sometimes. Do I want to change that? Who knows.

FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY AM I SO USELESS

You know, as much as I stand by the fact that the phrase 'Jack of all trades, master of none' is missing out the 'but better than a master of one' part, I'm still not satisfied with myself.

I've come to realize that I really am a perfectionist through and through. I hate it when things go wrong and I can't fix it. I spend extra time and effort making sure everything is perfect. Just last Friday I was doing a set of review questions for programming, and I got 10/15 right. But no, I wasn't about to just leave it at that and go about with my academic life. I needed the 15/15. The teacher suggested that while it was a multiple attempts review test, the system would only take the first score. But I still went ahead and didn't stop until I got my perfect score anyway.

I like to think that this somehow relates to my frustration that I'm not 100% good at anything. I can knit, kinda. I can play music, kinda. I know music theory, kinda. I can cook, take photos, code,  journal, analyze people's minds for fun- but these are merely just things I'm interested in, know a bit of, and never got anywhere with it. What's ironic is that I specialize in neither self-hatred nor self-love.

And yet all I do is complain about it. <-- Justification of my self-hatred

Weird mental health thing.

Everything is weird. It's like a flu that keeps coming back. I'm tired of this on and off thing. I'm tired of not having my thoughts straight. I'm tired of being two extreme versions of myself and switching back and forth with multiple flicks of a flu switch. I'm tired of not being able to access proper help like I used to.

Last night I wrote in my actual physical journal about how much it scares me to not hate all of this weird mental health thing. But one thing I do hate is anxiety. I hate worrying about things that don't matter to everyone but me. I hate worrying about people. People scare me and as much as I try to repress that feeling and put myself out there, it comes back.

Everything is weird, I'm tired, I hate everything but also not everything.

Envy, part three.

This is post-depressed me talking about envy. Also yes I've started writing again, because fortunately I don't feel like my brain is being constantly gnawed on anymore, though the tiny bit of self-hatred still lingers. ANYWAY.

While we're on the topic of self-hatred, it explains this new kind of envy I'm experiencing. I've never felt this before- being attractive. I come across countless pictures of pretty girls whom I not only start to get physically attracted to, but I also start to envy their level of attractiveness. And no matter what other people say, I still see myself as a fatass. It's my stomach. It's my thighs. It's wobbling fat that makes me pant every time I climb a single flight of stairs. And not only do I hate how fat I've gotten from binge-eating, I also hate every other physical flaw I have. I'm not gonna name them out because these are just plain embarrassing. These are flaws not many people have. And I absolutely hate them. I try to fix them, but nothing's working.

And despite this self-hatred, I'm still being reasonable. Everyone has their own insecurities and flaws, no one's perfect, blah blah blah, but for some reason I can't stop worrying about them and being self-conscious.

So there's my life right now. I'm glad I've gotten better though, I'm actually able to force myself to be productive now. Otherwise the next semester is going to absolutely suck.

Sense of belonging.

I used to think that I needed to be constantly obsessing over something for me to be happy or be productive. But I've come to realize that I just want a sense of belonging. I've always been proud of any community I've ever been in- be it being a Singaporean, a fellow YouTube fan, my sexual orientation, religion, or *cough* certain *cough* sexual fetishes *cough cough cough cough cough*.

I guess this comes from not wanting to feel so alone, and switching from being able to surround yourself with people, to just wanting to be all alone and enjoy the world in peace and quiet. So these communities are usually online. Sometimes I don't even need to socialize with these people, all I need to do is surround myself with them and watch other people be just as passionate about the same things as me.

It's great.

My social life (and also my femininity).

I just downloaded this app called Dayre which is some kind of social media platform but with blogs. Something like tumblr, except your blog's content is your personal life. Idk how to describe it. I'm bad at this. Anyway. I wanted to use it to stalk people I'm not closed to but am still interested in their daily lives. To see what they're up to these days. And because I was an awkward little shit who barely talked to these people, I remained anonymous. I'm sure they should be able to figure it out somehow since I'm following so many people who know each other, but whatevs.

And here's the thing. I just got back from trying to shop at Vivo City, looking at clothes I would probably never wear. Like seriously. I tried on this simple flowery shirt that I thought looked okay, but when I wore it, I looked like a cross-dressing dude. I DO NOT HAVE A DUDE'S BODY. My boobs may be small but there's a reason why I don't identify as a transgender male. But out of pure curiosity and slight suspicion, I looked up 'lesbian fashion' and... Well shit. This is kinda what I want to wear. To be a female but also kinda not. To be a female but also fuck shit up and own it.

Anyway. Back to Dayre. I stalked some people, most of them are girls, and one feminine dude, and damn. Everyone was socializing, having fun, and writing deep, typical teenager quotes. Listen. I would love to have that many friends and have a birthday party and take a bunch of cool photos. I would love to hang out with this many people at one time and be so chill with every single one of them. I would love to dress more feminine. I would love to have more feminine thoughts. But the truth is, that's just not me. As much as I'd love to hang out with that many people all at one go, I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's social anxiety, but I don't want to blame everything on mental illnesses (even though yes it's a thing to be taken seriously but STILL). I would love to become more feminine. That's why I try. But every time I walk into Topshop, Forever 21, or pretty much any clothing store that's very gender-based, I feel like I don't belong. I feel people judging me. Which, then again, is true. I don't belong. I'm not like these people. I just happen to not have that much estrogen in me.

Sigh. I always talk about loving yourself as you are, and I do. But do I want to change myself to become more feminine? I don't know.

Femininity.

So I'm a girl.

Am I a girl in the head? Maybe like a good 30-40%. I'm still cisgender, but I'm just a rather masculine woman. I love feminine girls. They're pretty, they're neat, they smell nice and they intimidate me. Mainly because I'm terrified that I might disgust them or something. I don't know. But society has taught me that because I have a set of tits and a vagina, I should be like them. And the 60-70% of me don't give a shit, but truth is, I still try. Vampire Diaries was an attempt. But then I started liking it for the literal backstabbing and the blood and how cool the whole TVD universe is. Fail. I tried watching make up tutorials, but I genuinely cannot stay interested for more than 20 seconds.

I acknowledge the fact that makeup can fix my face. But I'm genuinely not interested. Plus, have you seen how fucking expensive makeup is? Sigh. You know what I'm interested in? Financial stability. So fuck society's gender roles.

Hatred.

I don't know when or how this happened. Maybe God answered my prayers to be a better and happier person, to spread love to others and not hurt them. Because there was this one time where I realized how much of an ass I was being and I didn't want to be an asshole anymore. I'm probably still an ass, but surely something has changed. Because lately, I find it ever so slightly disturbing when I see people have so much hatred in their hearts. I wonder why they're so full of hatred, but at the same time I keep in mind that it's probably a normal human feeling or they might be having a bad day. Basically I try not to hate them or blame them for being so hateful. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

Maybe Tumblr has turned me into this cautious sjw. I don't want to hurt, annoy or judge anyone. I could continue to elaborate, but it might get complicated and too long. I've been subconsciously trying so hard to please everyone, which probably isn't mentally healthy. And I know who these hateful people are, and I'm trying to either fix these unhealthy relationships or try to cut them off altogether. Idk. I'm still figuring things out. 

Overcoming social anxiety. (Monday, 27 July 2015)

Recently I've been forcing myself to try new things and do shit that scares me, in hopes of overcoming my social anxiety and being more adventurous in general. I've started to help out at events alone, because I've realized that just because everyone around me only cares about cca points and not the experience, doesn't mean I have to miss out on these experiences too. And it's going really well. I've learnt to make temporary friends quickly. I've made many mistakes and I cringe all the time, but I've learnt to deal with these insecurities.

I also learnt that people actually give a shit about me. These four people I met last Saturday, it was busy and crowded and I got separated from them and didn't think much of it, assuming I was invisible to them and they didn't give a shit either. But when I met up with them again later that day, Rachel, the 4th girl from the left asked me where I'd been and why I didn't pick up her call. Call? She actually bothered to call me? I hadn't even given her my number, so she had to search through the list of numbers in the whatsapp group. She cared enough to do that?

Plus, they beckoned me to come over to take that picture with them. I was the last one to join that clique and I was still pretty quiet; they actually gave a shit about me??? Clearly, I got really confused. Because being invisible and ignored is what I've gotten used to for the past few years. I embraced it. Invisibility is a fucking superpower. But it also feels so great to know that people care.

And because I've learnt to deal with cringing at my mistakes thanks to my insecurities, I've started to be more active in whatsapp group chats. It sounds pathetic, but it is actually quite a big thing for me. You send something, and it's there for everyone to see. You can't delete it, you can't hope that no one saw, and it will be there for a long, long time. Terrifying. But recently, I've been trying to be unapologetically myself. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo who asked for everyone's names all at once while everyone was using their phones. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo with the awkward/shitty social skills. There's a reason behind all my actions and decisions, and if you gave a shit, you'd know and you'd understand and you'd forgive. Now I just need to forgive myself. 

Relationships and vulnerability. (Wednesday, 22 July 2015)

I met up with Racheal today to study and watch Antman. Movie was great, spoiler alert: Anna Akana makes an awesome cameo near the end.

Youtuber, movie maker, overall awesome beautiful person. I fangirled. I got home and I started watching some of her old videos again. She has an aerial hoop that makes a few appearances in her videos, and she does a bit of aerial from time to time. And by the way, a lyra is one of the sexiest things a woman can own. I first came across this art form a year or so ago from a lady I look up to and respect, and I wish I could do aerial hoops if it'd suited me better. The thing about my gender is that sometimes I'm feminine and care a lot about my femininity, and sometimes I really don't give a fuck. They're all phases I go through and it slides back and forth. Anyway.

Lyra is hot, both Anna and Kalel do it. Hell, Kalel even knows the art of pole dancing. Also hot, but not as much. Then I went back to watch old Wulas videos where Kalel was still with Anthony and was doing those sexy feminine hobbies and she was fit and had two cute cats and had her shit together. Kalel back then was one of my role models when it came to being fit and clean and neat and all those stuff. And I miss watching Anthony and Kalel being together in those blogs. They were adorable.

I'm just turned 17 and I still haven't been in a legitimate relationship, which is fine. But at this age and with this much sexual activity, clearly I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm still planning to just que sera sera everything, because going outside and looking for someone to love you back really is just going to end up in disappointment. At the same time, I'm shit at flirting, sexting and even knowing if someone actually likes me. So probably not anytime soon.

Speaking of exploring sexualities and a healthy amount of sexual activity, I've started to be more open with paraphilia. I don't hide things anymore, but neither do I rub them in people's faces. I did introduce Racheal to bdsm dirty talk and fantasy scene audios, and all I can say is that she needs to know that this is real life and Christian Grey does not exist. Recently I've come across this new paraphilia that I've come across but have yet to explore, and I think I want to learn more about it. In no way am I aroused by it, I'm just interested in any paraphilia that is popular enough to hold an entire community. It's just interesting. I'm not going to talk about much here, because paranoia and all. But if you're close to me and you're comfortable with such topics, I assure you that I will bring it up someday.

Feeling like a little. (Wednesday, 15 July 2015)

There's no school today because there aren't any more marketing lectures! But then there's two tests coming up next week, so I had to study. And guess what, I did! Steve from the ruleset made a video for people studying for finals and that sort of inspired today's productivity. I had a rewards system and it worked really well and it felt amazing.

I've started watching Steven Universe lately and it's so good. Honestly, go watch it. It belongs to the holy trinity of the millennial's cartoon set: Adventure Time, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe. Amazing. Rebecca Sugar is a genius. I also have a crush on a lot of the characters.

Speaking of crushes, I told canada-cry that I had a crush on her! Well, anonymously. But then when she replied and pleaded for the anon to emerge from behind the screen, I subtly typed in "but some people are shy" or something like that. She privately messaged me back acknowledging my comment, but I'll never know if she actually knew it was me. She's really pretty. And cool. Her Tumblr is awesome. Her background image says 'EAT SHIT SENPAI'. I'll never get over that. But I'm glad I told her, even if that didn't go anywhere and I don't even know if she's straight. Oh well. We'll still remain as quiet Tumblr friends.

In between. (Sunday, 12 July 2015)

I had a really bad morning today. Woke up to my Mom rambling about the shitstorm. Clearly, emotions are heightened during the day and the night, so I started feeling anxious and angry and annoyed and excused myself from a 8:30am church service. But really I just wanted to cry. And so I did. I flipped a switch, found out that one of my favourite Tumblr bloggers (Steve from trs) followed me back on snapchat (yay),  then went back to bed. The nap helped; I dreamt of me trying to save my Mom from this alternate universe, this 'other side'. I'm not an expert on oneirology, I don't know. But it did kind of make me feel better, since I never have nightmares. I don't consider any of my dreams to be nightmares.

I was still feeling a little shit, so I went out alone for lunch and then headed to a 2:30pm church service. When I got to the train station near a service venue, an Indian tourist approached me to ask for recommendations of where he should go before he heads for his flight home. I'm very proud of Singapore's tourism industry. I was ecstatic. I wanted to leave the best impression of Singapore for him. So I suggested the Singapore River. Idk how that turned out. But I was happy and feeling like this trip alone was going amazingly well.

The service starts and guess what- Darlene Zschech was visiting and was going to do Praise & Worship. It was amazing. The last song that came on, Good good Father by Housefires, made me cry. Like, really cry. I was sobbing, while trying to not look like a lonely crying weirdo. The sermon was good. The day was good.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I've been watching my diet lately, since I haven't been exercising. It's one of these recurring phases that I have. It's likely that I'll be back to midnight-snacking soon. I hope not though. Oh well.

SECONDARY SCHOOL CRINGE. (Sunday, 5 July 2015)

I just went back to Facebook after many months of not giving a shit. BAD MOVE. First of all, I was greeted by a post my Mom shared, which was basically a Try Guys Buzzfeed video about pregnancy and going into labour. Typical Mom on Facebook. And then, I decided to go back to my secondary school band Facebook page to look for some photos to save to my Dropbox, because memories. Just, why. WHAT MEMORIES DO I WANT TO KEEP FROM MY LAST TWO YEARS IN SECONDARY SCHOOL.

First of all. Now that I'm out. Can I just say, I was thirsty and I didn't even realize. Some crushes that I had are still approved by current 2015 me, because tbh, pretty hot, still would. But some of the crushes that I had. WHY. I mean, sure, they're fugly but maybe I liked their personality? What's there to like about their personality?? They were all absolute shit. Why.

Aside from crushes I wish I never liked, I also came across pictures of my depression and social awkwardness and solitude. Oh look, what a nice picture of my friends and seniors all hanging out with each other! That's nice, I used to hang out with them and was initially part of that clique! Where was I? Oh yeah, trying to hide behind walls or other friends because I was pathetic, depressed, alone and suicidal. I was so mentally ill. I don't cringe at this memory, though. My heart... Sinks. Why didn't these people help me at all? They didn't give a shit about me. Little to no one asked about me- all I got was weird/derogatory stares. So, fuck those people.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Change of topic, but I just got a notification about a primary school friend. Female. Didn't have a thing for her, I just used to be pretty envious of her. She's being a bit of a prick, because she only ever contacts me when there's a primary school class reunion event thing. It's as if she's playing hard to get but as a friend. I would go talk to her, but half of me cannot be bothered, while the other half wants to keep this friendship just for the sake of it. This shit needs to end.

The best friend appreciation post.

I'm usually particular about who I call my best friend, but at this point I consider anyone whom I enjoy spending time with a best friend.

PREPARE FOR THE INEVITABLE CHEESE

First off. Ng An. Known each other for over a decade, friendship kinda fluctuated at first but now we're tight af.

Gone through a lot together, saved each other's lives, we were there for each other, we're both a mess. Your hilarious lack of common sense despite the academic intelligence amuses me, and sometimes I'm the same too and we laugh together. Also I couldn't be more proud of all your successes.

Aaron. Many different things to say about this ball of rage-filled fluff. Insensitive prick with a dark sense of humor, but still kinda worth the deep conversations, debates and passionate rants about common interests. I actually enjoy dealing and putting up with your shit because damn, it's a whole new experience not everyone is capable of experiencing.

Racheal. Probably the most normal friend I'll ever have, yet a lot of fun to hang out with. Would make a great mom. Fun, caring, friendly. Super friendly. Your social abilities amaze and inspire me. You're probably the only friend that I find close despite the complete absence of deep conversations and debates. Also probably the only feminine friend I'll ever have who likes girl stuff like clothes, make-up, gossip and Starbucks discounts.

Yee Ren. Met in band. Makes me laugh. Hilarious, talented, creative. I'm usually uninterested in visual art but your drawing skills fascinate me. Your creativity fascinate me even more because I never thought I'd meet someone who can come up with amazing ideas. Only ever had one deep conversation because we don't hang out often enough. Still cool.

Joseph. Samael. Canislycaon. Whatever your name is. Never would've thought that I could keep and maintain an online friendship through Tumblr and Snapchat for this long. Smartest guy I know, super awesome in doing research on pretty much anything and everything. Also a bubble-burster, but it's pretty amusing to watch you shit on people's parades. Probably the only guy I've met online who's interested in sharing differences between our cultures and ways of life.

I appreciate all of you. <3

Also it's past midnight, hence the feels.

THE BEST DAY EVER. {Coming out} (Friday, 26 June 2015)

So today I went to Sentosa with Ng An today (not the best picture, it was for snapchat). My favourite place with my favourite person. So that was cool. Except I was so nervous and was still wondering whether or not I should do it today, but then I also wanted to do it somewhere nice and memorable since it's kind of an important moment in my life, her being the longest friendship I've ever had. I've already come out to myself, so I'm pretty comfortable with coming out to people whom I know 100% support lgbt. Anyway. I was absolutely terrified and kept trying to find the right moment to say it, and it was kind of split into two parts. "Would you be grossed out if I told you I'm not straight" and "I think I'm bi". But no, I don't think I'm bi. I just am.

So yes. I identify as bisexual, and I want my closest friends to know that. I would love to let my family know, but for now it just isn't safe. But this isn't a coming out story. Not yet, idk if I ever will. But anyway. After having a blast at Sentosa, I went to visit secondary school band camp (I don't have any photos, I'm sorry). A whole bunch of people were there, including our seniors. And I guess I used to be ever so slightly awkward around them, but today I managed to do pretty well ^^ But that wasn't exactly the highlight.

[Can I just say, being the paranoid af person that I am, I'll assume that family members + relatives might come across this, and if you're on my Dad's side, idgaf, you're kinda out of my life; if you're on my Mom's side, lol you don't really give a shit about me and I'm invisible to you anyways so dubaiiii]

Yee Ren, one of my closest friends that I met through band and sucking at chinese (aka chinese class for people who are shit at it), was there too, which was nice since it'd be my social nightmare to go alone with no one I'm socially comfortable with. He's the most hilarious, creative and talented person I will ever meet. Like honestly. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel lucky to have him as a close friend. And  we both talked about our shared sexualities and had a blast. We talked about our potential lgbt future, crushes, being in the lgbt community, and other hilarious things or serious-but-interesting things. But it was the first time I could be so open about my sexuality because even though I'd come out to other close friends, they didn't seem that comfortable or interested in that topic. So that was nice.

And to end off this day with a bang,

THERE IS NOW MARRIAGE EQUALITY IN ALL 50 STATES OF USA!!!!!!!!!

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes <3

Update: it got better

I MEAN COME ON HE'S THE CUTIE PATOOTIE FROM BUZZFEED AND I PRETTY MUCH FANGIRLED FOR IDK HOW LONG

Also it's incredible how much more inspired you can be when someone you look up to REPLIES TO YOUR TWEET AND CONGRATULATES YOU LIKE OMG

Empowering af. (Wednesday, 17 June 2015)

Connor Franta and Hannah Hart have really been a great source of inspiration these days. They talked about just going for it and living life to it's fullest. Challenging yourself to do something you're terrified of. Also, Joey Graceffa taught me that my friends and I should be challenging each other to grow as a person. And friends have their own lives to live, so maybe they're not there 24/7 and you have different schedules, so learn to enjoy your own company and be your own friend. Challenge yourself to grow.

So today I went out. Alone. It was terrifying at first, but it turned out to be really interesting. While waiting for the train I texted my friend for a bit which helped, because it made me feel a bit less alone. It was a good start to this personal challenge. I also had earpieces plugged in, switching in between Radical Face and Oh Wonder (recommended by Connor Franta).

First I brought a bottle of water to my Mom who was working part-time (temporarily) in retail. It was weird carrying the bottle around because it didn't fit in my bag. Yes, things as tiny and insignificant as this can affect me. I got on the train and this asshole wearing an incredibly misogynistic shirt walked in. My jaw nearly dropped. I was shocked and offended. I really wanted to walk up to him and give him a good talk, but lol not happening, I was getting off soon and well, this is Singapore. No one will probably stand by you and support you.

I like to hide in toilets when I need to stop and do something. And so I did, deleting my files from some 3Ds games before I went to sell them for $13 each. I figured I shouldn't bargain for more. He was probably just a regular staff member there and besides, I'm desperate for financial stability and those games were shit anyway. I carried on my little journey, with a few random bursts of anxiety here and there as I went to the cooler parts of Singapore where all the cool kids hang out. Whatever, I saw some hot/cute people here and there. I bought a shirt for like $13 because it was a 'special price' item and I had extra 10% member's discount. Thanks Mom. The staff member was really friendly too, which made things better.

It was at this point where I realized I had the ultimate freedom of going anywhere I wanted and going home at any time. It was at this point where I realized how empowering it was. I felt brave and proud of myself. I then started my mission to find some birthday gifts for my Mom, and came across incredibly tempting items on great sales. Damn you SG50 50% discounts. Because even though those precious items were at half-price, they were still above $7 and I felt like I couldn't afford it. Plus, I'd just sold my 3Ds games and I didn't want to spend that money so soon. Anyway. That freedom that I'd felt took over, and I thought about that one video I watched that encouraged viewers to go outside alone and visit places like parks, beaches, cinemas and museums. And so I headed over to the museum. It was really nice and fun, and I even wrote a letter for my Mom at the Leading Ladies exhibit since everyone else was doing it. Again, being alone gave me that freedom to write that letter. I didn't have to ask my company to do it with me or if he/she could wait for me while I wrote it. It was great.

At the end of it all, I'm slightly disappointed I didn't meet anyone or make any new friends because damn I'm thirsty. For anyone, really. But all in all, the experience was awesome. To be able to leave the house just to spend the day alone was really, really empowering and it was also proof to myself that I can overcome that laziness and do something productive and healthy for myself.

Do it.

Feelings. (Tuesday, 16 June 2015)

I've been in a relatively good mood these days, after reading two books in such a short period of time. I've never read books this quickly before. But watching some of Joey Graceffa's latest videos like this and this, I've found my new otp. Not just any regular ship, an otp.

Janiel. Just look at them. It melts my heart. And after reading Joey's book, I realized how much breakups suck and how unpredictable relationships can be. So as much as I ship them, I completely understand if the ship sinks and dies. Touch wood that it doesn't happen, but all I'm saying is no pressure, Joey.

I've been travelling a lot lately. Just going out the house and walking around and enjoying the world. Of course this contributed to my good mood, and at the same time I've been thinking a lot.

There's me sitting on a well, staring into the distance, thinking. Thinking about how I'd make an awesome photographer because it was my idea to take this particular photo. But in all seriousness. I've been thinking. Sadly, lgbt isn't very accepted in Singapore. Plus I'm living with a very homophobic father, which sucks. A lot. And I didn't get to go to pink dot sg, Singapore's version of gay pride. It'd be really cool for them to get rid of all the anti-lgbt laws and views, but then again most Singaporean lgbt people have moved out of the country just to be who they are. It's not a choice.

Maybe next year. I'll drag a friend or two along. Friends who support lgbt and not just simply "I'm not against it but I don't support it either, I just let them do whatever they want to do and ignore them." Which is sad. I met up with two other guys for a project. One was supportive and one wasn't. The other guy just kept expressing his disgust and confusion, since we've been taught to do so since young. Oh well. Maybe one day.

In Real Life and A Work In Progress.

Both really good books, one an autobiography and the other a memoir.

Autobiographies are great. I love them. They teach you a lot of things while telling you their life stories in a chronological order. In Real Life by Joey Graceffa made me cry. Now, I've never cried while reading a book. It was so relatable and he managed to describe personal childhood events that took place. It really made me connect with the book on an emotional level (clearly). I can't describe this awful feeling I related to from the book, you'll just have to read it to find out. He aslso came out as gay in his book, which I'm very happy and proud of him for doing so. He then went on to talk about dating and meeting people, which made reminded me even more that being in the LGBT community is 100% normal. Love is love, nothing is different. The Imitation Game showed me how important it is to support the LGBT community, and this book showed me how normal it really is.

Connor Franta's A Work in Progress was incredibly inspirational. If you know him, you'll know what his Instagram looks like and this book is written in the same style. It's beautiful. The title fits the book perfectly (and he described it the same way)- he's still young. He only talks about his experiences and what he's learned so far. He came out as gay online a year after he came out to himself. Maybe coming out is different from everyone, as Joey Graceffa says. We're all in different places, some where it's accepted by society and some where it's shamed and discriminated. After reading his book, I realized that he has a similar perception of the world to mine. Again, it's indescribable. You have to read it.

Now to save up for more autobiographies and memoirs.

Envy, part two.

I've already written a post about envy. This one's different.

Recently I've come across some seemingly lucky people. The rich, the famous, the popular. I don't hate on "filthy rich people", nor do I use that term often. I acknowledge that many of them have worked hard and many of them don't just mindlessly spend their money. The "financially stable with a decent disposable income" people I know are really thrifty and wise with their money, and I really do admire that.

And then there are the pure lucky ones. They're the relatives or children of famous, lovable celebrities who get to meet their celebrity friends and enjoy a glamorous life. However. This can only be done if they're actually cute and lovable.

This brings me to the next category of people whom I envy. Cute, lovable and popular people. Because unfortunately I've never been that kid. Well I was, but then when they realized I was a lot more mature than that and knew what they were up to and what was going on and hence started to rebel against unfavorable rules and the abuse of authority, I was seen as the typical teenage rebel and was no longer the center of attention. I've now turned into the awkward, tall, ugly teenager who still has residue of puberty lingering on my body. Don't get me wrong, I still love myself, but I still acknowledge my flaws and I'm trying to improve myself. Idk how the hell girls smell so nice. And honestly, having a nice figure is not worth suffocating my lungs for. I STILL TRY TO EXERCISE, IM WORKING ON IT.

I love Sundays. Because they're the only days I ever feel like I am able to live a life that's anyway similar to what I've just described. My Mom brings us to nice places to eat, shop and relax. It's really cool, especially when you feel so blessed and refreshed having just gotten out of a church service. I just wish this could be everyday of my life. I know that because Jesus loves me and He has given me unmerited favor and super abounding grace, I can live this ideal life, and I'm still believing in Him for a financially stable life where I don't have to worry about spending on basic needs like food and clothing. One day.

And clearly, I've got to help myself out as well. I need to work hard and achieve my own academic goals. One day.

Oh, Mediacorp. You tried.

(I know it looks like some kind of Malay/Indian show because of the font, but don't be too quick to judge)

So lately they've been advertising this little web series called Sabo on toggle.sg, and goodness gracious. Sabo is a prank show where this radio DJ goes around pranking Mediacorp artists. I just watched a few episodes and goodness gracious. The way they reveal to them that is was all a prank was kinda pathetic, which led to equally pathetic reactions. "There's this new web series called sabo and you're being sabo-ed right now." WILL PROBABLY LEAD TO "Oh. Okay. Heh yeah it was kinda funny. What's next on my boring schedule." However, "There's actually no need to worry because YOU'VE JUST BEEN SABO-ED!!!!!!!!!! *CHEER AND LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING FROM PRODUCTION TEAM*" will most definitely lead to "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA WTF" Or at the very least a fml facepalm with a bit of cringe. Like even Gordon Ramsay had a good enough reaction. Also, it seems like these actors don't even know their fellow colleagues well enough. Like come on. Even if you're all working on different platforms and channels, know your people. Make more friends. Goodness freaking gracious.

Kudos to Mediacorp for actually trying though, and kudos to MDA for not being an uptight prick about it. Sigh. Entertainment could be so much more if they had a competitor. Channel 8 is doing a well enough job and that's cool, while Channel 5 needs to up their game. A lot. Perhaps it'll get somewhere about 10 years down the road.

Youtube - Television.

Too many things have happened. I couldn't be more proud of all my favorite YouTubers.

But remember, I also really like Ant and Dec and I read their book and everything and I know roughly how many people is involved in a single TV show and how much effort it takes. So I can kinda understand why all these TV people don't really like YouTubers. It looks as if YouTubers just need to sit in their bedrooms with a camera and talk about anything they like and they can get as many views as the TV people can. I mean, I don't know the numbers, but I'm sure it's not easy to get to a million views for either of them.

But no. These YouTubers, at least to me, work really hard and they genuinely love their viewers. They're really nice people and there's a high chance that they're a lot less fake than what television has. But hey, what do I know. I've barely read into any of these things.

I'm just really proud of YouTube and the internet in general. And the pride is starting to overwhelm me.

A foreign life.

So lately I've been thinking about where I'd like to move to, or if I'd like to stay in here in beautiful Singapore. I've nothing against this country- everything works better here, except I can never be excited about fun events that happen in real life. Youtuber tours, their books being sold in real life book stores, attending live book signings, all those super cool things. Also no matter how far we get in the future, the lgbt community will never be accepted here in Singapore with the whole low population and birth rates going on.

The two countries I've considered moving to is the US and England. The US, because the cost of living is incredibly low, but then affordable health care doesn't exist, the crime rates are insane, morals are out of the window, and the people kinda suck. Still, looking at housing in the US- they have pools and cool architecture and two floors and a frickin lawn in their homes. The UK, because it's somewhat similar to Singapore since they once colonized us, the people are nice, everything is nice, but then being there is expensive. Incredibly expensive. And the weather is just, yikes. But then they have nice cool things like cool products and places and all that.

Singapore's not too bad. I just thought that maybe I could live a slightly happier life if I didn't stay in Singapore. No more awkward Chinese New Years, no more being dragged to events I really don't want to attend, not having to deal with family drama. Maybe I could just have a stable home here, but then earn enough money to visit the US or the UK often enough. Yeah. That should be okay.

What is this. (Wednesday, 20 May 2015)

I think I may or may not be falling back into depression. I'd hate to use that term loosely but that is what it feels like. Or I need to come up with another term for... whatever this is. It's wanting and needing to do something but also not being able to find the energy or motivation to. It's feeling all sorts of emotions all at once, and not a single piece of advice helps. It's trying to make your way out of it but failing and giving up. It's wanting to be alone, but feeling like you shouldn't be. It's all one big ball of cloudiness covering up the mess that is my life. And it sucks.

But personally, my opinion on handling these things is to just be alone. My depression a year or so ago was my own personal battle. My own journey out of it. And for now, I don't see how anyone can ever pull anyone out of depression. And that sucks too. I may be incredibly ignorant about it but I don't have any books about it and the internet has divided opinions. So there. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I need to get my shit together by the end of the week. I've important tests next week and I can't fall behind at all. Oh well.

Don't wait for the world to be ready.

Can I just talk about how beautiful was Joey Graceffa's way of coming out? He made a music video called Don't Wait, and the day after he posted a vlog to clear up any more doubts his audience had. And both videos very beautiful. It's no doubt that his coming out inspired other people to do the same. His was a lot more different and very, very unique.

I've never agreed to something so much before. The things he said in his vlog were absolutely amazing and so inspiring. To quote the video, "It's just so cool to see this kids, this new generation coming out and we can get rid of all those old people who don't accept it and start a new world of it being fully accepted." This is where I become even more proud of our generation. And then there's also, "Sometimes it's not the right time to do it but if you feel like it is the right time, then do it. But in no way if you feel like you're unsafe or it's not the right time or place to do it, then you don't have to. No one's making you do anything."

I bought his book In Real Life. I can't wait to read it. He's been through so much and although I've grown tired of most of the content on Youtube, I still stand by the fact that these Youtubers are such an inspiration and play really important roles in impacting our generation positively and making the world a better place to live in.

Except these things are only happening online. There's a whole new vibrant life on the internet, on social networking platforms like Tumblr and Youtube, but the adults, the people who aren't in this part of society fail to see that and those people won't be influenced by all the positivity. I just hope for the best for our generation and the world. Hoping that more people join this society- this population, and eventually change the world for good.

So remember. You're not wasting your life on the internet. You can do so much more. Fight and change the world with us ^_^

Sunday, 17 May 2015.

Today hasn't ended yet, but I thought I'd write this while waiting for my phone to charge. Today started out pretty great- Joey Graceffa came out as gay through his new music video Don't Wait and kissed a dude! I mean, everyone could tell right from the start, but even though he hadn't came out back then, whatever, I was fine with him being straight. But we're all so proud of him for finally coming out, especially having gone through many rough times. So now both Joey and Connor have come out, which is really cool. Equally proud of both of them. Sigh.

At church the pastor explained about hell which cleared up many doubts for me, especially with testimonies from a doctor who brings people back to life. When the non-believers came back to life, they pleaded the doctor to keep using the defibrillator on them because they didn't want to go back to being dead. But when the believers came back to life, they kinda just looked at the doctor like, "Dude what are you doing". So that was calming. Then there was a celebration for the same pastor's birthday, which is always really fun. The other pastors came up with a hilarious skit and played the video, dressed in The Avengers outfits. I love it when all these pastors come out and do a skit, because it really does instil a huge sense of belonging to the church, at least for me. And despite having performed in ridiculous outfits, we all still have the same amount of respect towards all of them.

And then, I helped out my Mom at my granddad's house. Which is another detail of the whole shitstorm aftermath thing. I hope these things are worthwhile. At the very least, doing these things prove nice things about myself to myself. Like, these are the kinds of things future Clara would look back on and then hug and cuddle and comfort me. Won't you? I know you're there. Hope you're dong well.

And now I'm home, where just a while ago in the toilet I was having really mixed up feelings that I was having a hard time trying to sort out. Worrying/pondering about the future as always. I hope things are fine. And if they're not right now, just keep on going. All the Claras are rooting for you always. <3

Same to anyone else potentially reading this. Be nice to yourself.

The frustration.

I like to think that I can communicate with my past and future selves. Take this blog for an example- I'm always talking to you, future Clara, and maybe some close friends and a few random strangers here and there. Sometimes I look back and think, "Past Clara would be so proud of me right now" or "I'm so proud of baby Clara, showing off my personality the moment I was out of the womb" (Quite literally, my impatience was first seen from wiggling out of the womb on my own with the nurse screaming at my Mom to wait for the doctor and my Mom screaming back, "I'M NOT PUSHING!!!")

But sometimes, I think about what future Clara would say to me right now. I know doing it will definitely get rid of the frustration but the people around me right now aren't the same friendly people you see online or here from all the inspirational stories. But still. What would you say to me now?

Dear future me, this meant something to you.

You're the only person who will 100% understand why you relate to this song, so I'm not gonna explain much. This song made you wet your eyes and maybe shed a tear or two but you never actually cried like you did for the previous song. And perhaps you never will, and I'll never decide on a reason why.

To anyone else, it's a good song, and if you understand it, let's just keep it low key because its kinda cool and beautiful.




An eight year old girl had a panic attack
'Cause the father she loved left and never looked back
No longer the hero she counted on
He told her he loved her and then he was gone

She tried to look happy in front of her friends
But knew that she'd never feel normal again
She fought back the tears as they filled her eyes
And wanted him back just to tell him goodbye

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

Her dad was a good guy that everyone liked
But nobody knew he was dying inside
He promised his family he'd be alright
And then with a gunshot he left them behind

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end, no.

The role of a father he never deserved
He abandoned his daughter and never returned
And over the years though the pain was real
She finally forgave him and started to heal

How close is the ending, well, nobody knows
The future's a mystery and anything goes
Love is confusing and life is hard
You fight to survive 'cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend
It's just the beginning this isn't the end
It's just the beginning this isn't the end

Unhealthy people.

No, I don't mean fat or physically unfit. I mean people who are considered unhealthy to hang around with. They suck, so how do you handle them?

I like to think of myself as a very passionate person. Whenever people tried to fuck around with me as a kid, for a long time I'd try to fight back. If they pinched me once, I'd run them over with a frickin army tank. Not really. I'm not a violent person, I prefer actually using my brain. Anyway. I got bred after a while, and tried to find better ways. I did try the whole "don't let it affect you" method, but clearly at 10 years old I wasn't going to understand how that works anytime soon. But now it has.

When someone is just trying to be an idiot and screw around with you just for his or her own amusement, seriously, ignore. You can go ahead and play for a short while, then without any warning, stop. Sure, they feel an initial sense of victory, but then they start to feel like a pathetic mess when rubbing their short-lived victory in your face does nothing.

And I'm very sure you're able to see who's horrendously unhealthy for you. If they're never being nice, if they're always hurting you, they don't deserve to be in your life. Cut them out. Even if they're family or you're stuck with them for a long period of time. You can still cut them out. If it's a classmate that you're forced to work on a project with, then it's just a group member. Zero feelings involved. This is how you win at life. Because each time you give in and not take revenge, it adds one point to you for being a better person, and another point to the bad guys for being dicks and inevitably regretting it horribly later in life. Because a life of hurting others is not a life worth living. You'd just be living for others and not for yourself. See? Best revenge ever. Because they can't take those moments back. All that time bullying others, wasted. While you lived and grew as a person.

I said give in and not take revenge, but please do stand up for yourself. If you're like 8 years old and someone is stealing your stuff in school, SPEAK UP FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Never let others physically harm you or push you down in terms of academic progress or other officey terms. All this is just to protect you from emotional harm. That you can control.

So remember. If there are any dicks and assholes in your life (not the actual body part, you know what I mean), protect yourself. Be the better person, and take it as an opportunity to grow and be an emotionally stronger person.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015.

School's been going well so far. I still haven't fallen behind yet, which is great. But one thing that's cool is that I've been given many opportunities to experience a whole bunch of stuff and it's only the fourth week of the semester. So yes, thanks, NYP.

For one, I've been offered the chance to meet the directors of the school/polytechnic (idk about the details, they kinda just said directors) along with the two class representatives,  I have to do a marketing presentation with Stacy where we need to dress professionally, and the teacher put me as the group leader for a communication skills project with three other popular people I've never really spoken to. You'd think I'd say no to at least one of these, but I haven't. I kinda decided that this is the year I'm going to give everything a go and do my best. I'm even planning on quitting band and joining Student Union, which is basically the prefects of the polytechnic. Besides, band is too tiring.

Also, we had a programming practical as usual today, and I'm a very impatient person. I'm always eager to go home if I don't have any questions to ask. And whenever this is the case and the teacher announces that we may leave once we're done with our work, I panic and try to finish it asap. Yes, I get impatient with myself. So the teacher makes the announcement 20 minutes before class is supposed to end, and I rush my last few programs. I finish my work 10 minutes after class is scheduled to end and I frantically/excitedly pack up my bag, ready to get the hell out of there. Don't get me wrong, programming is fun, but you get what I mean. And just as I zip up my bag, I hear, "Excuse me, Clara, how do you do this program?" I look up, and the native chinese girl (who skips many classes) beckon me to come over. Too late. I walk over, and she was still at the last program, still needing to add in a lot more codes. Try to imagine the pain in my heart. And yet, I stuck it through and basically did everything for her while briefly explaining what I was doing. I have no clue how and why I stayed back to help, and although I've already complained this to a friend before writing this, I'm a tiny bit glad I stayed. It kinda adds on to the image I have of myself. Remember the whole loving yourself thing? Yeah. I'm doing nice things for myself. I want the 7 year old me to be proud of who I am today. <3

Freedom of speech.

So recently Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away, and it was a huge moment for the whole of Singapore to go through. And in light of this event, a teenage boy posted a video on Youtube expressing his opinions about Singapore's former prime minister and Christianity. The video went viral, he's in trouble with the law, and it's starting to get really, really annoying.

First of all. There are so many people out there who are just like this teenage boy- using social media to express offensive opinions and statements. So who's to say there will never be people like that in Singapore? Correct me if I'm wrong, but in Singapore, the one thing that applies to majority of the laws is that you can do whatever weird thing you want, as long as it doesn't involve murder and you do it in the privacy of your own home. From what I've read online, it seems like Singapore just doesn't want you to go around spreading your weird shit to others. Like you can walk around your house naked for all I care, just close the damn doors and draw the curtains.

So there. Everyone has their opinions, right or wrong, let them have it, but don't let their offensive opinions spark fires, start shitstorms, and get followers.

Recently in my Pillars of Life module, the lecturer made me realize something I never really thought about before. She was talking about the different generations and what kind of people they were, and then she got down to Generation Y, which is us. And the description for our generation was that we were the most likely to change the world by being the most influential. Thanks to social media.

And I could see that- we're finally doing something about racism, sexism and basically freedom and equality in general. All because we're spending so much time on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Youtube. To think we were making jokes about wasting our lives on the internet- we might even be able to change it.

So yes. Freedom of speech. Does it exist? No. Is that a good thing? Kinda. But you know what will be really cool? Having the freedom of speech but being able to filter out the useless, negative stuff until it becomes unacceptable. I say useless because when I get into a debate with someone, I encourage disagreements. Friendly, proper, mature disagreements. Basically the ones with a logical/reasonable explanation and not just a simple "No" and topped off with pathetic irrelevant insults.

I wonder if we can actually change the world, and how long it'll take.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Britain's Got Talent just ended. That's just about as close as Singapore can get to a tiny dose of Ant and Dec. Anyway.

I have Fridays off, but I went back to school for a project. Anyway. Had my dinner, met up with Racheal, then we walked over to AJC for Aaron's music club concert. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. Or maybe I did; I never liked singing teenagers. Maybe I just have high expectations for teen vocalists, since the music industry is so huge. So the concert was awful- the vocalists ruined a lot of good songs like Bon Jovi's It's My Life, Taylor Swift's Ours, and many others that I wouldn't like to remember. Racheal and I cringed. A lot. One of the singers thought she could write a parody song of Taylor Swift's Hey Stephen and get away with it. She didn't. I knew.

It was okay I guess, making the effort to actually turn up. I'm a good friend. Honestly, I could've gotten up and left during the intermission, but I was there and I stayed for the rest of it purely for support. Also Racheal's necklace was with Aaron, so we couldn't exactly leave, but still. The inevitable encore at the end was good, only because it was Uptown Funk and Aaron came out wearing sunglasses and did a sassy dance. So yeah. I got the whole thing on video, too. It ended late thanks to a lot of unnecessary stuff during the concert, but thankfully I got home just in time for Britain's Got Talent.

Walking around the JC for half an hour before the concert really made me appreciate poly life a lot more. When I entered, I could sense the stress and anxiety, and to me it was just the hell version of a secondary school. Everything looked so boring, everyone was in uniforms/school shirts, it was awful. It made me realize how much better our learning environment was, and how much difference it actually makes. Being in poly makes me open up my mind a bit more and feel that much more creative. We don't have homework, worksheets, essays, and just a ton of paper in general. We have binded lecture notes, projects, and computers. It really has helped me a lot so far. There's no stress, just challenges, and it's given me so many opportunities to try a whole bunch of different things. I've met so many new people and I'm able to socialize a lot better. My friends are quiet and aren't very enthusiastic when it comes to giving ideas, so I'm kind of forced to be enthusiastic and all leader-like. Otherwise, we wouldn't get anything done. Honestly. Also, I've been chosen to go meet the director of the school. I didn't think it was a big deal at first, it was just a thing I had to do. But according to my friends' reactions, I guess it's somehow a big deal. I don't know.

Poly's been keeping me away from home, coming back late at night and all that. I'll try not to disappear as much as other typical teenagers.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015.

Poly's actually going pretty well so far. I'm always relieved when I still haven't started to hate life just a few weeks into the new semester. Everything seemed pretty tough at first, but it's actually quite alright.

I finally understood all of programming today, and knew what to type for a program and why. It's actually quite fun and satisfying once you get the hang of it. I even helped my friend Stacy with her's! I figured it'd be best not to create tension and potential rivalry by leaving someone in the lurch. And she helped me a little too, so everything went brilliantly and it felt amazing. There wasn't any competition with each other, but personally I was just challenging myself to actually write a successful program on the first try.

Then I had to head to sectionals for band, and I was going to meet our French Horn tutor for the first time. The closest person I've ever had to a legitimate tutor was Mr Darren (?) Sim, our conductor who plays French Horn professionally. Or just plain beautifully. I don't know.

Sectionals went well; I remembered how nice it was to have a tutor instead of just trying to figure things out on your own and not knowing how to improve on sound. It was a nice little challenge for me, because it's been more than a year since I've done music theory and I've forgotten majority of it. And yet I dared to tell our Tutor (when he asked) that I knew how to read bass clef. Now I've a score with bass clefs and we're expected to do transpositions and all that complicated musical stuff. Another challenge was switching the keys back and forth in between numerous scores. I'm not as flexible as I used to be anymore. But I did get a few praises here and there which was nice, because I knew how I was doing. Everyone in NVSB only corrected each other and I never knew if moving on to the next person meant that I'd done well or so horribly that they just gave up. Anyway, the tutor fascinated me because when he somehow knew who our previous conductors were just by telling him our secondary schools, I realized how huge the social circle is among conductors. I was very tempted to ask him about Mr Choy and Mr Sim because I think they were great, simply because they actually bothered about French Horn.

I've been looking back and learning from past mistakes, desperately trying not to make the same ones again. I know I get tired from socializing easily, so I've tried to not give a burst of enthusiasm and sociability, and instead using lectures and classes to calm down before I have to socialize during projects and after-school activities. This has been going really well, and I'm not at all tired from socializing. And even though band seems to be a bit of a challenge, it's one I'm willing to take. Step by step. :)

Loving yourself.

The one thing everyone is uncomfortable with, and yet it's the one golden key to happiness. It's not exactly a secret, and no one is afraid of you knowing this, because even if you do, it's hard to actually do it. It takes time to learn to love yourself. We were brought up to shut up about ourselves. We were taught to be humble. And we end up turning down compliments. And we end up getting hurt easily by the comments of others.

I'm not going to list out everything you have to do to love yourself, because I believe that it's not a technical process where you can create an algorithm and get the same results in the same amount of time. I believe it's a journey you have to take on your own. Know more about yourself, and accept that. Love yourself like you'd love your child- unconditionally.

I have to say, it took me a long, long time to get to where I am today emotionally. I went through a lot. At one point when I was just 14, my self-esteem was so low that I felt sorry for existing. I felt like I was wasting the frickin air. And somehow, (with the help of a tiny bit of serotonin), today, I'm proud of myself. It takes a while. It's never an eureka moment. It's really just like a wet rollercoaster. There are ups and downs, and occasionally a bucket of doubt splashes over your head. Just don't ever give up on yourself. Keep going no matter what, even though you feel like you're not worth it.

You'll get there one day. <3

Sunday, 26 April 2015.

So yesterday, I finally got my new laptop for school. An Asus Zenbook UX303L. Mom paid for it, but knowing her, she's probably going to try and get that money back. Anyway. I'm really excited to finally have my own laptop, but because our home computer isn't working this is also, in a way, my Mom's laptop as well since she needs it to do adult stuff like job searching or the complicated housing stuff, I don't know. But anyway. I'm still not a 100% satisfied, (yes, I know, ungrateful greedy little bitch) because I want a laptop that's truly mine to own. Mine to be 100% responsible for. Don't get me wrong, I'm still 100% responsible for this one, except because my Mom keeps borrowing it and doesn't know how to care for it, I'm afraid she might make something go wrong by accident and then blame me.

I've always wanted to be independent and responsible, it's always been a part of my ambitions as a kid. I know I whine and bitch about it from time to time, but if and when I succeed, I'd be really, really proud of myself. Recently, I've come to realize what makes a person proud of a country. From what I've read and observed, people usually get really patriotic when the country started from nothing and yet was able to be independent and achieve great success. The thing that made me start to onder over this was a Q&A video Ant and Dec did, answering a question about why geordies are known for being patriotic and love being from Newcastle upon Tyne. If I remember correctly, they had the Tyne River to do imports and exports, and did very well as a region without much help from the rest of the country. This reminded me of Singapore. I won't describe our history because it'll take too long, but all I can say is that I get to be a patriotic Singaporean thanks to what Mr Lee Kuan Yew (and his team) has done for the country. So there.

I've been thinking about opening my own bank account. Just for myself. Since, well, there's a huge lack of communication between me and my parents despite us desperately needing it; and things are too complicated to get emancipated. And that would be a whole new level of terrifying. Anyway. I'm just rambling at this point. I don't know if I'd like these kinds of updates on my blog. I'm gonna leave this here anyway. Bye now.

BOOPBOOP

One of the people whom I admire. Look up to. Hannah Hart does My Drunk Kitchen on Youtube and is absolutely amazing. Basically, the most fun cooking show you'll ever watch. Honestly. I say I admire her because not only do I love her videos and what she does, she kinda taught me more about responsibility and being able to go through tough times. Then again, anyone who's a good older sibling and an amazing person is an inspiration to me because damn Mitchel can be really irritating sometimes.

Everyone has difficult periods of their life. Some have it pretty bad, but everyone deserves to get out of it one day and be happy. But those who survive and come out as a better person with an amazing successful life will always be an inspiration to me. I know it's incredibly creepy that I'm this interested in others' personal lives/backgrounds and I'm a massive stalker, but I still do it. Hannah is such a positive, cheerful person and you'd never think that she'd ever gone through a rough time, but man. I won't list everything out, but I will say- her being able to handle all of that and still manage to be the person she is today is remarkable.

I don't quite remember where I was going with this, I kinda just wanted to write something. ^_^ Just check out her channel.

Creators.

If you don't know who Thomas 'Tomska' Ridgewell is, well, he does the asdfmovies. And recently he tweeted about why he doesn't have and/or want a fandom. And I respect him a lot for this- he wants his audience to like his creations, and not him. Because in a fandom, most fans adore whatever a creator creates, as long as it's not offensive. But I have to say, doing such a brave act in the entertainment industry is really, really risky in my opinion. I feel like he's losing fans and people are starting to lose interest in the asdfmovies- with repetitions and the lack of content (referring to just the asdfmovies), he'll need to work a lot harder to make other content that's not 2-minute long asdfmovies.

He's made quite a few good ones, I really like the real life sketches that he films and not animates- maybe I'm just not interested in cartoons. Unless they're actually done well. Like adventure time. And gravity falls. Personally, I feel like it's not worth writing a good script and then wasting it on half-assed animations.

I probably have no clue what I'm talking about right now, and I may sound incredibly shallow and ignorant about the entertainment industry. But if I could learn more about it and see if I really do have a passion for it, I might just have another thing to be excited about. Because I've been interested, and I've tired reading up on the topic, except I'll never actually be sure of anything that I read online. Perhaps this is just all part of getting into a new passion, except I can't go around talking about it as if I'm highly experienced. And I'm reluctant to just go "Que sera sera" and leave it alone, because that is how dreams die. Or slowly wither and break apart.

Since I'm just admiring others' work for now, may I just mention David Walliams. I loved Little Britain, and I've never watched it but apparently he wrote the Ant and Dec show. I'm sure it went brilliantly, and he sounds absolutely amazing in Ant and Dec's autobiography. He's great in Britain's Got Talent, but I have no clue what he's trying to do with his children's story books. I haven't read any of them, I'll do so soon, but why..? I can kind of understand; I've always wanted to be a creator no matter the form, but I've always been a bit too lazy and the passion was too weak. And this is why I've started to build a career in business or something office-y, since the entertainment industry is such a risky and difficult thing to understand, much less make a living out of it. It sounds horrendously pathetic, but it's true. Especially if you're here in Singapore. Mediacorp needs to up its game. Goodness gracious.

And our words would take us halfway round the world.

I may have finally decided on my one favorite song. And it very well may be staying that way for a while. It's called Always Gold by Radical Face.

It's a song where I can relate to every single lyric because I can understand every emotion that lyric is meant to have. It's a song about friendship, the kind that I want. It's the ultimate friendship goal, or whatever they call it these days. And I like to think that some of my closest friendships are pretty similar to whatever's going on in the song.

Why I relate to it so much will take forever to explain, and anyone who isn't my best mate will never actually care to read and/or listen to it.

So let this be my little inside story between me and my closest friends whom I deeply love.

We were tight knit boys
Brothers in more then name
You would kill for me
And knew that I'd do the same
And it cut me sharp
Hearing you'd gone away

But everything goes away
Yeah everything goes away

But I'm going to be here until I'm nothing
But bones in the ground

And I was there, when you grew restless
Left in the dead of night
And I was there, when three months later
You were standing in the door all beat and tired
And I stepped aside

Everything goes away
Yeah everything goes away
But I'm gonna be here until I'm nothing
But bones in the ground
So quiet down

We were opposites at birth
I was steady as a hammer
No one worried 'cause they knew just where I'd be
And they said you were the crooked kind
And that you'd never have no worth
But you were always gold to me

And back when we were kids
We swore we knew the future
And our words would take us half way 'round the world
But I never left this town
And you never saw New York
And we ain't ever cross the sea

But I am fine with where I am now
This home is home, and all that I need
But for you, this place is shame
But you can blame me when there's no one left to blame

Oh I don't mind

All my life
I've never known where you've been
There were holes in you
The kind that I could not mend

And I heard you say
Right when you left that day
Does everything go away?
Yeah, everything goes away.

But I'm going to be here 'til forever
So just call when you're around.

Thanks, man.

The things role models don't teach you about.

After three long weeks of waiting, Ant and Dec's book finally arrive.

I'm only a chapter or so in, and as the first autobiography I've read, it's really good. But reading about these people that you admire and look up to, who usually have pretty great relationships with their parents, is a little tough when you put the book down and go back to a home that doesn't really feel like home anymore.

No one really talks about it because anyone who does is usually deemed unpopular, but if you think about it, there's no real reason as to why that person should be judged that way. I'm sure every child wants a good or at least decent relationship with their parents, but everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes, so what if your parents have made a really big one? They're allowed to make those mistakes, we can all understand, but maybe more of us can also try to understand that their children might've lost some respect for them. No matter who you look up to, who your role model is, if they've made a mistake, losing respect for them is still something that happens.

So I went back and watched Joey Graceffa's Draw My Life video again, because I remembered that he had (or has idk) an alcoholic mother, and he'd lost some respect for her. No one really tells you how to deal with these things, even my psychologist just told me to ignore everything. Yes, Ms Psychologist, it's a hard thing to do, but at the same time it's not something I might even consider doing. And yet these adults (and their brainwashed children) judge us for being rebellious and disrespectful. I don't hate my Mom through and through, I just strongly disagree with many of the things that she does, and sometimes when she doesn't quite understand what I'm trying to say, I tend to raise my voice a little. Then again, so does she.

It's not something that can easily be fixed. But at least listen to our side of the story for a change.

Their names are Ant and Dec.

...I need to stop being interested in men over 35 years. This is starting to feel creepy ._.

Well there. Familiar faces, you feel like you see them everywhere- they're hosts of Britain's Got Talent and a whole bunch of other shows. Except everyone else who's not in the UK just dismisses them off as, well, 'those guys from Britain's Got Talent'.

Recently I've realized why the UK loves them so much. Not gonna go on about why they're so perfect and everything- I just really admire their friendship. I've many great friends, not really, I just keep a few hella good ones. But even these hella good friendships that I have will probably never be comparable to what Ant and Dec have. Like damn. Aside from that, they've made me that much more interested in what goes on in the entertainment industry.

So I've bought their book Ooh! What a Lovely Pair (great title lol not) and have eagerly waited three weeks for it to arrive.

Aaanyway. Graham Norton.

Great show, hilarious host, celebrity guests suddenly have a sense of humour.

I'll never get used to watching a TV host get interviewed; he's usually the one interviewing other people. But today, I somehow stumbled across a video and realized that he's written an autobiography too- called The Life and Loves of a He Devil. I looked it up, it's $30+ (in SGD), so I had to do a little more research on whether it'd actually be worth the money (I'm pretty much broke at this point).

I watched mainly videos of Graham Norton talking about the book and trying to promote it, and from there I stumbled across another video of him starring in an episode of Who Do You Think You Are (another great show- looking into celebrity family trees I think), and watching him talk about his love and relationship with his home country Ireland. I doubt most celebrities would talk about that, so that was interesting to hear. Also, unlike Ellen Degeneres, I don't think Graham Norton talks about his own opinions or life stories on his show a lot. So it'd be nice to get his book and read about him for a change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~le transition~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've realized that I'm a pretty artsy person. I appreciate it, but like everyone of my friends who feel the same way, we all know that we can't go anywhere in life trying to find a career in arts. It's really sad, but it's the truth. Which is why I made the appeal to go from Visual Design to Business Enterprise IT. It's pathetic. I may have to give up my dreams on psychology, even. We'll see how things go in poly.