Overcoming social anxiety. (Monday, 27 July 2015)

Recently I've been forcing myself to try new things and do shit that scares me, in hopes of overcoming my social anxiety and being more adventurous in general. I've started to help out at events alone, because I've realized that just because everyone around me only cares about cca points and not the experience, doesn't mean I have to miss out on these experiences too. And it's going really well. I've learnt to make temporary friends quickly. I've made many mistakes and I cringe all the time, but I've learnt to deal with these insecurities.

I also learnt that people actually give a shit about me. These four people I met last Saturday, it was busy and crowded and I got separated from them and didn't think much of it, assuming I was invisible to them and they didn't give a shit either. But when I met up with them again later that day, Rachel, the 4th girl from the left asked me where I'd been and why I didn't pick up her call. Call? She actually bothered to call me? I hadn't even given her my number, so she had to search through the list of numbers in the whatsapp group. She cared enough to do that?

Plus, they beckoned me to come over to take that picture with them. I was the last one to join that clique and I was still pretty quiet; they actually gave a shit about me??? Clearly, I got really confused. Because being invisible and ignored is what I've gotten used to for the past few years. I embraced it. Invisibility is a fucking superpower. But it also feels so great to know that people care.

And because I've learnt to deal with cringing at my mistakes thanks to my insecurities, I've started to be more active in whatsapp group chats. It sounds pathetic, but it is actually quite a big thing for me. You send something, and it's there for everyone to see. You can't delete it, you can't hope that no one saw, and it will be there for a long, long time. Terrifying. But recently, I've been trying to be unapologetically myself. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo who asked for everyone's names all at once while everyone was using their phones. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo with the awkward/shitty social skills. There's a reason behind all my actions and decisions, and if you gave a shit, you'd know and you'd understand and you'd forgive. Now I just need to forgive myself.