This is post-depressed me talking about envy. Also yes I've started writing again, because fortunately I don't feel like my brain is being constantly gnawed on anymore, though the tiny bit of self-hatred still lingers. ANYWAY.
While we're on the topic of self-hatred, it explains this new kind of envy I'm experiencing. I've never felt this before- being attractive. I come across countless pictures of pretty girls whom I not only start to get physically attracted to, but I also start to envy their level of attractiveness. And no matter what other people say, I still see myself as a fatass. It's my stomach. It's my thighs. It's wobbling fat that makes me pant every time I climb a single flight of stairs. And not only do I hate how fat I've gotten from binge-eating, I also hate every other physical flaw I have. I'm not gonna name them out because these are just plain embarrassing. These are flaws not many people have. And I absolutely hate them. I try to fix them, but nothing's working.
And despite this self-hatred, I'm still being reasonable. Everyone has their own insecurities and flaws, no one's perfect, blah blah blah, but for some reason I can't stop worrying about them and being self-conscious.
So there's my life right now. I'm glad I've gotten better though, I'm actually able to force myself to be productive now. Otherwise the next semester is going to absolutely suck.
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