September update.

So, I got pills to stop me from feeling so shitty.

Today's been extra shitty. And I think I just spent half an hour trying to bore my brother to death so he can stop staring at my screen. I hate everything and everyone right now. I hate the people singing in my Spotify playlist. I. Hate. Everything.

Fuck.

Addicted to the beach.

So here's where I currently am.

The first time I realized that I really love the sea/beach was when I got to appreciate this.

I would like to thank the Coriolis effect for doing its job. Man this feels amazing. I would also like to thank spotify for the wide variety of super cool music.

I never want to leave.

Mr Jeremy Renner.

Clint Barton, Hawkeye, Billy Brandt...

I was once obsessed with this man and I genuinely have no idea why. Then again I was also once obsessed with Ricky Gervais, so I suppose Jeremy isn't as bad/weird. No offense, Ricky. He tweeted me once. He was nice.

Yeah. I mean, I had my reasons for liking these two celebrities, but clearly it was never because of their looks (again, I'm terribly sorry). Anyway.

So Jeremy Renner finally joined social media. @Renner4real for both Twitter and Instagram. And I'm very happy for him.

If you don't already know, I like to think of myself as a wonderful online stalker. Not in a creepy way. I'm just pretty good and finding out information about a person. I promise it's not as creepy as it sounds. And once I have an interest in a celebrity, I go online and read all about them. Clearly, I read about Jeremy Renner.

From what I gathered (please, please, please, correct me if I'm wrong), aside from the (somewhat) usual hobbies like building houses and doing music, he likes to study religion, criminology and martial arts. He has a dark sense of humor. He went through a lot of shit and a possible shitstorm. And the lovely Scarlett Johansson changed him. They were my otp for a while. Basically, I was very intrigued by him, and his past.

I hate myself for digging into a shitty past of someone's life especially when they're probably trying to forget about it and leave it alone. But to me, it's very interesting to an extent. Because it shows how much shit you've survived. How much it changed you, how it possibly made you a horrible person for one small part of your life, and how you became a better person afterwards. Hurt people hurt people.

And although my deduction skills are the worst ever, I've gathered that Jeremy's shitstorm made him rather introverted for a while. He was pretty quiet and very uninterested during interviews. I get how they can be insanely tedious but it's a little odd for an actor to lack that much effort. (Again, no offense.) And I think Scarlett Johansson played a pretty huge part in getting him out of his shitty self. (I like to think that actors usually associate well with their characters.) And finally, you can usually tell a lot of stuff from a person's eyes. I'm not very good at hiding that.

So good for you, Renner. Congratulations on staying strong and surviving. Congratulations on your career. Congratulations on your life.

A lonely adventure.

So I got out the train two stations early. And I've decided to just walk to my destination instead of get back into the train. And I'm taking a route I've never taken before. 

I'm also listening to random Radical Face songs on spotify, and looking at my map just incase. This is pretty fun.

An annoyed young adult.

So that's how I'm feeling today. Right now. Its a very lazy Saturday afternoon where all the adults in this house are asleep, my brother is lazing around on the floor playing with ants or something, and I've decided to lie on a mattress to write this- because my grandmother is on my bed. And I hate it when anyone is in my room for no reason, needless to say on my bed. Oh well.

I'm done with my schoolwork for today, I'm feeling a little physically uncomfortable because its so hot and it is also currently shark week. Tmi? Still. I hate wasting my weekends away. They're very precious to me, considering the fact that I've started to really hate weekdays.  I suppose I'll be really mature and go read up on a few stuff, while I listen to Radical Face and try to feel better.

Bye now.

Communities.

I've had an epiphany of sorts.

There's a community for everything.

Fans of various pop stars, fans of various YouTubers, fans of various tv series... Fandoms. In general, people who share the same/similar interests come together and make friends and be social. They form a community. Communities outside of fandoms can include food lovers, book worms, and even people who have similar lifestyles... In bed.

Whatever it is, it amuses me that these people can come together and be friends and even find their lovers or whatever. Communities form on their own. On Tumblr, people have their own themed blog, and then they find other similar blogs, and boom. A community is formed. 

I get fascinated way too easily.  

Relatively nice people and my social anxiety.

I'm waiting for my turn to take an English oral examination. The rest of the girls are taking selfies and having fun. They just included me in one of their selfies, which I suppose is meant to be a friendly gesture. I have absolutely nothing against them. I'm very amused by how cheerful and energetic they all are; I'm just terrified.

First of all, I do not wish to diagnose myself with any mental disorder. First I thought it was depression, and I because very quiet and unresponsive. Then I thought I was having panic attacks, and now I hyperventilate every now and then. I know for sure I'm terrified of socializing with people who seem more enthusiastic than me, but I don't know if that's perfectly normal. It can be. These things tend to be rather intimidating.

I'm just sitting here, discreetly reading articles that may not be socially acceptable to read, trying to get into that 'mood' of high standards of the English language. I've been told that my English is good, but I'm never satisfied with myself. Insatiable. I always think that I'm merely surrounded by people with bad English, not that my English is anywhere near good.

Again, I'm just bored because I still have perhaps half an hour or so before I sit for the exam myself. I don't think I was going anywhere with this. Goodbye.

Important notes to self.

I'm assuming birthdays aren't too much a big of a deal these days, but I should probably treasure my 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays. Because movie privileges. And other legal stuff.

Today hasn't gone really well so far- my tumblr friends are in a bit of a metaphorically heavy storm where she's in danger and he's 3000 miles away, and family problems where I feel like no one really gives a shit. Which is fine, but all the hurting and lying is not very cool. However, I need to remember that there are people out there who love (hurt) random strangers even though they don't know of their existence. I also need to remember to love myself. Apparently that's pretty important. The internet taught me that.

So. No matter what you're facing, no matter what you're going through, even if you literally have no one in your life that cares for you, always remember to love yourself. That's really important. And you can always talk to the amazing people online. They care. Even though they can't fix your problem or they're really bad at counseling. Even if it takes you years to find someone to actually give you attention and love you and show you they care. Be as patient as you can. Stay strong. As cheesy as all those quotes on tumble sound, they fucking love you.

Homeschooling.

As a person who is terrified of people that I have to stick around with for long periods of time, I wish homeschooling was more popular here. I've heard of people who were homeschooled and finished high school before they were 16, and are now pretty intellectual people whom I respect and admire.

I love using the internet. I've learnt a whole bunch of stuff from it. I do find online research a little tough and tedious for me, because its contents are so much more complex than I need it to be. It's gradually becomes hell for me when I'm researching on a subject/topic that I have no interest in. That being said, I just sat through two hours of chemistry while having to do a worksheet without my textbook. All I had was my phone, an internet connection and 20% battery. Everyone else either had textbooks, friends or teachers. I refuse to ask for help, because I don't have any doubts about the information I'm given. I just don't have any information.

So, I went online, google came to the rescue, and I appreciate the search engine's existence. However, the sites I came across used terms that I've never heard of. This was frustratingly inconvenient and I was dying to get home.

Still, despite this flaw, I would love to do more online research. I just need to be better at doing it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Believe it or not, this was not quoted by a Kelly Clarkson song. The original quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, was actually "Out of life's school of war: what does not destroy me, makes me stronger."

I agree with Mr Nietzche. Whatever shitstorm you go through and whatever the outcome, as long as you're still physically alive, will eventually make you stronger. I'm pretty sure most people have gone through some tough times that were difficult to handle. Whether or not we were alone during these times is a whole nother story. If you have loved ones caring for you, then good for you, it probably hurt a lot less. But if you're alone, then stay strong because that's a real survivor.

I understand that people with severe depression will disagree with this quote, but I choose to believe that the Ed Sheeran gif on tumblr with this quote went viral because people were overwhelmed by their emotions and psychologically influenced by music.

Anyway. In my opinion, the reason why we become stronger after an emotional (or physical, idk) battle is because we end up creating our own personal life lessons and theories/principles that we begin to live by. My number one principle is to not fucking trust anyone. I don't know if it sounds harsh but that's kinda what I've learnt. Ironically, I have impulsively told a couple of people some things that I probably should've have told them- just because I was in a really happy and bubbly mood. I had faith in humanity, basically.

So, stay strong and learn stuff from the shit that you go through. ^^

Reminder: It's 2014. (Feminism, equality and rape culture)

Feminism defined by Wikipedia: "Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending a state of equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist advocates or supports the rights and equality of women."

Quick reminder: Feminism is equality, not women over men.

Anyway. Today was an insanely hot day, and anyone with the right mind would probably prefer to wear a tank top instead of a normal T-shirt. I had home tuition today and my tutor is in his mid-40s with a horrible sense of humor and a rapidly balding head. Also the tuition is held in the living room so my parents don't have to worry about me. This, I completely understand. Asian parents tend to worry about their child getting sexually violated, and I appreciate their concern. However, after the tuition, they proceed to warn me to never wear a tank top in front of my tutor ever again. Side note: My tank top isn't showing skin that's anywhere near my boobs, and my hair is covering my shoulders. I'm just really warm.

I don't know how I'm going to put all this content together, but my point is:

Women don't deserve to get raped just because they dress inappropriately. Men will always have a choice to not rape a beautiful lady. Chivalry isn't dead. Don't rape her. Sex should always be safe, sane and consensual. And if you're into rape fantasy, remember to keep it as a fantasy.

I should also remind you that men can also be raped, regardless the rapist's gender. And that is not because the male victim is weak and unable to protect himself. It is never the victim's fault.

(This post is a mess. I'm just going to be irresponsible and leave this here, but I think I've made my point. Just not all of it. Idk.)

Reminder: It's 2014. (LGBT)

Recently, more and more people are starting to accept the LGBT community, to treat everyone with equality as much as possible, and that's absolutely wonderful. Personally, I'm not too eager to stick a label on myself, but I suppose I'm cisgender for now. However, if I were to start to doubt that, the society I currently live in will not allow that. The lovely people I've met online have told me that it doesn't matter what your gender is, and you should be proud of who you are. Many random strangers online love you, no matter who you are, even though they probably don't even know you exist.

Unfortunately, the people around me are very against lgbt rights, and I am not even allowed to get the least bit offended by that. Recently, I came across a Britain's Got Talent audition where three guys flamboyantly danced around in high heels. My younger brother who is 11 this year, starting screaming, "GAY!" This became insanely repetitive and I was both offended and disappointed that he still thinks being gay is wrong. My father walks past and also disapproves of the three seemingly gay men on the television screen. As I attempt to share my opinion, he stops me and insists that their actions are very wrong and are meant to be laughed at.

Dan Howell (aka danisnotonfire, a YouTuber notoriously known for being socially awkward) recently posted a video for his series 'Internet Support Group', where he gives advice to his fans in need of his help. One of his fans shared that she didn't know what gender she was, and quoted from Dan's answer,

"Why are you trying to put yourself in a box? You are in no rush to decide these things and stick a label on yourself. There doesn't need to be any introducing, you just do whatever you feel like, and at some point, after some experiences, you may know, and if not, it's 2014. Who cares?"

In my opinion, this pretty much explains it all. However, as the only person in this house who approves of lgbt rights, I feel very alone and somewhat trapped. Hopefully, someday I can be around more open-minded people, and at the very least have the freedom to share my opinions with others and respecting each other's opinions.

I'm bored.

I'm in school. Classes haven't started yet so everyone is on their phone. I've finished reading all the articles (written by this amazing author) on VICE, I've pretty much given up my research on endorphins and dopamines... And I suppose it'd be weird to pull out my journal and start writing on actual paper voluntarily. So here I am.

This morning I was motivated to try my best and concentrate/focus today. I'll tell you about that later. As I said, recently I haven't been able to focus very well in school, given the occasional freakout sessions and the random mid-life crisis. Then again, I have been doing other stuff of my own, like writing a story. Creating something. I haven't decided on how the story is going to be written; either the classic story book, a script, a comic, or an animation. Either way, I'm creating something, and the entire process is rather enjoyable. Because I've been doing such irrelevant stuff, I can't exactly concentrate on how many moles sodium chloride has or whatever.

The first few hours of school is going to consist of a PE lesson where I sit by the side and observe people while contemplating the many things in life, and later a school survey. Where I whole-heartedly (and discreetly/anonymously) tell the Ministry of Education how shitty my life in this school has been. Sure I've had some fun and interesting times and I thank the school for that. However I've been through a lot of crap and just, no.

My friend Racheal isn't sitting beside me yet. And it looks like there's about to be a heavy downpour. This should be a great day. I just love being alone while having an amazing weather. And by amazing weather, I mean being able to stay indoors while the heavy downpour drenches anyone else other than me. ^^ I have my Don Quixote book. That amazing author sort of introduced that character to me. She used "quixotic" as one of the words to describe herself. And here I am, reading a book about how some Spanish guy dreamed of becoming a kinight and then going on an adventure to revive chivalry. In the medieval days. When everyone was religious. Yeah.

A random teacher just walked in and confiscated someone's phone. I'm sitting right next to the door. Either I'm actually invisible, people really don't like to scold me, or they really just don't give a shit about anything I do.

PE has started. Bye. 

Stuck.

So my life on the internet has made me very tempted to just leave reality and walk away. Perhaps I'm addicted to the internet, I don't know. Before I go on, let me just put a friendly reminder out there: addiction to anything is bad, not just to the internet. Anyway. Whenever I'm on my phone or computer (or basically whenever I'm feeling anti-social) and someone talks to me, not only do I get annoyed- it's literally starting to hurt my ears. Or my brain. It just hurts like a legitimate "ugh, stop talking". Sadly, this is usually people I can't afford to piss off. And I shan't say who, because society will kill me.

Recently I've been a lot more relaxed about my brother using the computer, because I feel like he's pretty deprived of the internet- so much so that he loves online homework. I suppose he hasn't gone through actual hell before. He got to skip the young scientist project thing that I had to do when I was his age. Twice. Or thrice, I don't remember. It was the first time I realized how much online homework sucks. Then again I'd gladly research a bunch of stuff about endorphins and dopamines. Everything is easier when you have the interest to do it. Another debate/discussion for some other time.

I'm not going anywhere with this. I have spotify in my head and I can't concentrate with music. This is just a really pointless rant. Thanks a lot if you're still reading. But all in all, I just kinda wish I could leave this place asap and choose to live on the internet, with an occasional, stress-free visit to the outside world.

Hiding your identity.

Truth is, I am Iron Man.

Not really. 

I get really fascinated by how the way we dress can change people's impression of us. As you may already know, I have a whole bunch of different personalities, and yesterday I was feeling super bubbly and cute so I dressed accordingly. Today, I'm wearing the same shirt, but I'm feeling very anti-social and I'm in a very contemplative mood. And of course, no one will bother treating me with the same respect as a fully grown adult because, you know, I look like a childish teenager who takes a lot of selfies and hangs out with a lot of loud and obnoxious friends.

Clearly, the image does not correspond with my current personality, but I do somewhat enjoy dressing this way and hiding my actual personality. If anyone ever makes a successful attempt in getting to know me a bit better, they'd be pretty surprised and then they start backing off because they think I'm not fun and adventurous and that contemplative people are frightening. Pretty much the reason why I don't have many close friends.

I'm on my way to church, actually. And I just met an old church friend from the youth service I used to go to. We talked for a bit, and when I had to alight the train first, I was thinking about how quickly I could go from a contemplative frown to the brightest smile you'll ever see. And when I entered the church, the staff greeted me and again, the smile as bright as the sun or seven stars or whatever. Does it make sense to you now?

Look up.

I assume you've heard of the viral video 'Look Up', as it talks about how we use technology so much that we miss out on the many beautiful things in life like breathtaking sceneries or meeting interesting people. Sure, we're pretty obsessed with our phones and computers, and I do agree that people should look up from our phones and tablets when we're outside. Then again, I feel that being online is still pretty beneficial. Without the internet, I probably wouldn't have heard about MH370 or the major Japan earthquake that happened a few years back. No, I don't watch television very much. All I have is a computer/phone and my internet connection.

Being online so much has allowed me to share my opinions (or at least post them on a blog where no one is reading them) with others, to meet new people, and to learn a lot more about the world/universe we live in. I enjoy reading the opinions of others and looking at things with a different perspective. Google also becomes my favourite study buddy, and Siri is very helpful with her friend WolframAlpha.

At the same time, I don't look up my phone when I'm outside. I like to observe things and people, as creepy or interesting as it sounds. But sure, my phone and the internet come in handy when I have to deal with awkward moments.

So there you go. Go explore the world- both real and virtual.

Dealing with people.

Again, I have (at least two) very different personalities- one where I love everyone and one where I hate a lot of people and have no faith in humanity. The latter is my personality for the day. It started out with me being really cheerful until it was ruined by some douchebag who happens to be a 'close' friend. First of all, I know that this friend is really unhealthy for me and he's a bad influence, and that he probably has something going on/wrong in his mind/life. Still, thanks to the internet, I've learnt that I have the right to not give a fuck. I can love myself. If he's a bad influence, I can say no. However this bad influence is spreading this idea to my other friends- that it is really fucking cool to push me around because its just mere teasing and I totally know it's a joke.

You fucking assholes.

There is a limit to everyone's patience. People change. Just because I made fun of my flaws doesn't mean that will still continue to be funny two months later. Once again, thanks to the nicer people on the internet, I've learnt that I shouldn't have immature responses to such immature actions. I can understand why they do things. I could explain this in a really sophisticated manner, but I find it easier to just think:

They're assholes who don't have a life.

And you do. So ignore all the bullshit they're giving you that you clearly do not need in your life, and move on like the fabulous person you are.

Judging a book by its cover.

I suppose most of us have been told to not judge a book by its cover. But guess what? Singapore is still looking at academic results to determine what kind of a person you are. I feel that these things are pretty much inevitable, considering the fact that we naturally judge and give first impressions of the people around us according to the stereotypes that our minds have learnt to recognize.

Similarly, I think Singapore's society would avoid anything that mentions sexually explicit things. However, I've come across someone working in the sex industry, and I was absolutely stunned by how intelligent and talented she is. She writes amazing articles on VICE, is an avid reader, and I'd say she's quite an artist. Anyone would think that such a person deserves more attention, but because she worked in the sex industry, even if she only did a few scenes, barely anyone would bother considering her work outside of the industry.

It's rather unsettling. I want to share her ingenious work to my friends, but I can't do so just because I'd be seen as a disgrace to the society, if you will.

Their loss.

Sex.

From what I know, most Singaporeans are sexually shy. You won't hear a bunch of stories about how some dude banged another chick and stuff like that. However, in my opinion, sex isn't wrong. As long as you're not hurting anyone or their feelings, then it's all good. Condoms or no condoms, it's completely up to you. Just be responsible for the stuff that you do, and don't offend anyone.

I feel that we shouldn't shun someone for being sexually active. Is pornography really that bad? I hear that it's bad because it raises the viewer's expectations during real sex, because many people think that porn sex is real sex. But hey, that's another debate for another time. Still, I know of many people who enjoy viewing pornography and yet lead happy, healthy lives. This is actually pretty possible, believe it or not. Recently, I stumbled across a post on tumblr. It was a comic comparing sex and car accidents. "We shouldn't teach teens about condoms because that'll encourage them to have sex" is like saying "We shouldn't teach people about airbags because that'll encourage them to crash into things." Which I thought was very true and accurate.

Sex is fine. Be safe, don't tell the people who get offended easily, and don't shun someone for being normal.

Change the world.

Honestly, I grew out of these unrealistic inspirational quotes. How many people have actually changed the world, among the 7 billion human beings living on this planet?

Still, I feel that it's a brilliant idea to positively impact as many people as you can. You don't necessarily have to change their thinking such that everyone agrees with each other, but what matters is that everyone is happy. Personally, if I were ever given the opportunity to "change the world", I would save as many lives as possible. Be it improving healthcare in various countries- both developed and less developed, or preventing suicides and depression for everyone. Also, I would give people, especially children, the opportunities to speak and voice their ideas. As a child, I felt like I never really had a voice and no one took me seriously. And as a child, I'd already thought about growing up and learning from these adult's mistakes.

There are so many problems out there that even governments are too busy to fix, but if people are willing to give it a shot, I believe that the world will be a much better place. 

Socially incorrect.

The only two places where I feel a sense of belonging are places that are... Socially incorrect to go to.

I just wish that one day I can get away from society so that everything I do doesn't need to be socially incorrect anymore. And I can live in a world where SG is my king/leader/whatever you call it, where I can attend the f-festival (I am this paranoid) or at least check it out for a bit. Or watch a bunch of YouTube without disappointing anyone.

There is no such thing as freedom, is there?

Bucket List #1

PLAY WITH TIGERS.

In the other post I talked about envy and this was one of the things that really made me regret quitting Music O's... BUT YOU GUYS (if there's anyone reading this, lol) I FOUND THE EXACT PLACE BECAUSE OUR QUEEN TYLER FRIGGIN OAKLEY TALKED ABOUT IT UGH I LOVE HIM

Look at dis how adorable is dis ermergherd i wants dat

Also check out Tyler because he's just... SLAAAAAAAAYY

youtube.com/tyleroakley

tyleroakley.tumblr.com

Also this is his Thailand vlog and this is the video where he talked about dem tigers. He is such a babe.

One day.

One day. I'm going to travel the world with a friend or some friends and imma vlog and use all that really cool and nice music to make the vlog seem really fun and exciting. This is kind of the stuff that keeps me alive right now, and also the reason I go through the school thing. I really just want to see the world someday.

That's usually what I mean by living life to the fullest. But even if I don't get to travel everywhere, life is still possible. By helping others out. I kinda want to do all the nice stuff for people whether or not they deserve it because I'm pretty damn sure we've all been hurt before and not all of us have fully healed from the shit we go through in life. (I was thinking about this after writing a Chinese compo today)

Changing opinions.

When I was little, I was very carefree. I always thought, why do I have to put in so much effort into looking pretty just so a guy can marry me? Can't I just find some random dude, marry and have kids? We'll probably get along somehow. Also I had no clue how sex worked yet. And of course, when I got older, that view changed.

I've never had a legit boyfriend so far, and don't really plan on anything for now. If it happens it happens. If it does it's after Os. But it probably won't happen. Except I've always been terrified of this whole boyfriend idea because I thought that if I was ever gonna accept someone as a boyfriend, he had to be a potential husband. Creepy and cheesy and disgusting, I know. Not sure why I had that opinion. But again, that's changed as well. I'll have a cuddle buddy, sure. ^^

Except, I'm still terrified of the whole boyfriend thing. It's so cheesy and people start teasing you and you can't get your mind off and shit like that... I can't emphasize on how cheesy it is. Honestly. And then there's bound to be some kind of a breakup, and no one knows which partner should initiate the breakup, it'll be awkward, idk if he still wants to be friends because he's probably a nice guy... And shit like that.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the whole boyfriend thing is such a hassle, but if a cute boy comes along... I don't mind. I'll probably adopt like a Tyler Oakley mindset. :P

A sense of belonging.

So I just got back from the YouTube Fan Fest and...

Yup.

I was shaking and couldn't get more/better pictures. And again, I just stood there in shock, awe, and whatever made me stand still. I would go on about how 'magical' that moment was and how his eyes were somehow very very pretty but that would be my annoying fangirl self.

Recently, the hashtag #tipsfornewyoutubefans trended worldwide on Twitter, and this happened:

And clearly I freaked out (I freak out a lot). But also, I kinda realized that this hashtag actually gave me a sense of belonging. I mean, not only was the fandom in on it, but so were the YouTubers. Sure you could say I'm too obsessed and/or addicted, but that was actually the first time I had a sense of belonging. I always feel left out everywhere else. Usually because 'everywhere else' is basically just school and I clearly was never a 'cool kid'. Again I could go on and whine about how I'm invisible and very forgettable to everyone I meet but no.

This is why I love the internet. You're looks are defined by your username and only your username. Sure people can still judge you depending on how good/bad it is, but at the very least, you can choose to use something more decent than twilight_fanzz15382. I mean, I got 'noticed by senpai' many times before and honestly, I actually feel the love. The love coming from the YouTubers, the love coming from the fandom, from everywhere. Online, when you're a fan, both the star and the fandom love you. When you're a fan, you get to be friends with other fans and no one will hate you, unless you're a hater.

So yes. I may dishona famry and I'm way too obsessed, this is actually the one thing keeping me going. Where else am I going to go?

Zoning out.

Again. Have you watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? If you have (or at least the trailer), you'd probably get what 'zoning out' means. Put simply, daydreaming.

Here I am, sitting at the bus stop, with my feet hanging above the ground. As I stare into space with my earphones blocking out the noise, I start dreaming about hovering above mountains and being among stars and clouds. A very cool experience.

Just a quick update. 

It's okay.

So I just wrote a massive blogpost about "how well I'm handling stuff" and a bunch of problems. Then I deleted it. Here's what I really want to say. To my future self.

It's okay.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to have self-pity once in a while. It's okay to love whatever you love. Nothing is cheesy. Cheesy is an opinion. It's okay to let go sometimes. I understand you're incredibly insecure but you have to let go once in a while. Let go of all the pain you think you can handle. You can't. Let it go, it's okay.

There. And yes I did shed a few tears. Because I'm an actual female. I'm a person, a human being. I'm allowed to. Besides, it's been a long time.

An ideal future.

I just remembered why I quit Music Os. I'd decided to just take music as a hobby while I did other things. Jeremy was the one who inspired me to do that. (Also I can't even handle how cheesy it is that I get influenced by celebrities so easily.) Jeremy also took music as a hobby because he knows he probably won't make it far... Same with me. Playing in a band is somewhat overwhelming for me. And at the same time, I'm not being 'exceptional' as a solo guitarist. I play the guitar to entertain myself. And if others enjoy it, then yay. But there are so many better guitarists out there. I don't exactly enjoy listening to the professionals play, because I get too upset with myself that I'm so far behind their standard. It's childish, I know.

Still, I think I've had it pretty much figured out now. All I want is to entertain. To serve. To make someone smile. To make someone's day. It may or may not be stupid, but whenever someone does something small for me, it makes my entire day. Like if someone goes, "have a nice day!" I'll say, "thanks, you too" but what I'm really thinking is, "oh hey thanks! I will! You go and live a great life ahead!" Yeah. And one time, a girl offered to share an umbrella with me even though it was only drizzling. I was so happy that I posted about that story on every single one of my social media accounts. Yeah. Is that bad? :P

Invisible.

I do actually have this invisibility power. But I'm only ever noticeable when I mess up.

First off, I'm unrecognizable. Now you see me, and (whoops I let my hair down) now you don't. Not even joking- I actually physically stalked someone using that method and it worked. Kinda. Not exactly to my advantage since that caused this whole shitstorm.

Also, my face changes really quickly. Once I nearly got stuck in Thailand just because my face didn't look like my passport photo. And my family members with dementia- I'll be the first one they forget. My friends whom I love- they'll never think of me again. (except for that one hella awesome friend that I've had for like a decade or so)

I try to use all this to my advantage. Hopefully one day I can just disappear from the world. Living anonymously. No one thinking about you. No one being disappointed in you. But noooooo. It's impossible with today's technology. There are eyes everywhere.

This is where things get dangerous. My mind starts to wander off... 

"If only I could live forever... A million lifetimes to do everything."

"What if I died and this could all be possible? I could roam the world being healthy and whole, never feeling tired, Jesus being with me all the time..."

Yes, doctor. This is where I get 'suicidal' thoughts. But I can never be sure. So I'll just stay alive and see what happens.

Envy.

I like stalking people online. I promise I'm not creepy. It only ever stalk when I envy someone. I've stalked many celebrities before, but this time it's someone that I've actually met before. A previous band conductor.

I envy all profesional musicians, really. Even the guys who guided us during the Chinese Music workshop. I admired them for being the younger generation to appreciate Chinese Music. But this conductor- I envied him the most among the other conductors because he plays the French Horn too :D So I did my stalking, found a flickr account and OH WOW HE'S LIVING MY DREAM LIFE.

He has amazing photography skills and badass cameras, he travels to really awesome places, and music for a living. Seriously. And I thought my dream life was impossible to achieve.

Recently I've been upset, disappointed with myself because I've been such a failure at life. This was not where I thought I'd end up. I have huge ambitions and dreams but all I did was dream. I don't even know anymore. Maybe the doctor will at least clear up the smoky parts of my life. But today I've found out that my dreams are possible. Yay.

(I'm starting to regret dropping Music O Levels but then again I probably wouldn't have survived anyways)

Happy Resurrection Sunday! (Happy Easter)

Hei there ;) Today we celebrate- pretty much everything we have.

Because Jesus laid down His life for us, we can have everything we now have. Health, wholeness, life, righteousness…

By His stripes, we are healed.

We are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

As He is, so are we in this world.

In Jesus' name.

God is no longer angry with you. No matter what you did. No matter how much you've sinned. Repentance doesn't save. Jesus saves. You don't need to be a really good person to come to church. The church is meant for us as sinners, to be cleaned by the blood of Jesus Christ. Just like how you don't clean yourself before you take a shower. You shower because you're dirty; you come to church because you've sinned.

Check this out: By one man's sin, we have all become sinners. But now, by one Man's obedience… ;)

As He is, so are we in this world.

Local YouTubers.

I just stumbled upon some Singaporean YouTubers on the 'recommended for you' page, not sure why. Saw a decent title, clicked on it and BAM. Typical Singaporean-style youtube video, unoriginal and too hey-look-i-can-be-a-famous-youtuber. Don't get me wrong, I love Singapore but not exactly proud of our people. But the thing is, this guy's subscribers passed a whole bunch of other (better) YouTubers, also not sure why. I mean, congratulations man, but I'm gonna guess you're one of those hyper and energetic popular people who pretend their anti-social just so your viewers can 'relate' to you, then you go on to get your 283 friends on Facebook to subscribe to you. *shrugs* I honestly would not be surprised.

Legitimate, legendary people of YouTube started making videos because they were genuinely bored. These people are trying to make it big on YouTube so they can make money out of it and become internet famous. A mini celebrity. I'm just a little upset about this because I feel that YouTube has lost it's identity and authenticity; being a place where people are desperate for money and fame.

Then again, these are just my opinions and also my personal blog… Oh well.

Really awesome movies

I've been watching loads of movies these days: Non-Stop, 3 Days to Kill and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Liam Neeson was great, the movie was incredibly suspenseful and it kept the audience trying to figure out who was the murderer. 3 Days to Kill was just really badass and also really sweet at the same time, and Kevin Costner was actually really cool along with the other cast members. But Captain America- AMAZING.

Honestly I wasn't really a fan of Steve Rogers, I was just there for Romanoff. I didn't find Captain America: The First Avenger all that exciting either, but this movie made me change my opinion of Captain America. It was badass, cool, hilarious, and so well-written. You need to see it.

Also I suck with movie reviews and this is my blog, so I'm just here to say that these movies wear good, really good and amazing, so go watch them. ^^

Fantasies.

Escaping realities can actually get pretty dangerous sometimes.

I day-dream and fantasize about things a little too much sometimes. And when I do, I slowly start believing that my fantasy worlds exist and reality never happened. Procrastination sets in as I start believing that my responsibilities don't matter anymore. And then, finally, sadly, fortunately, I snap out of it. Somehow.

We all want our fantasy worlds to exist. Sadly we aren't able to live in it in this lifetime of ours. Or can we?