Communities.

I've had an epiphany of sorts.

There's a community for everything.

Fans of various pop stars, fans of various YouTubers, fans of various tv series... Fandoms. In general, people who share the same/similar interests come together and make friends and be social. They form a community. Communities outside of fandoms can include food lovers, book worms, and even people who have similar lifestyles... In bed.

Whatever it is, it amuses me that these people can come together and be friends and even find their lovers or whatever. Communities form on their own. On Tumblr, people have their own themed blog, and then they find other similar blogs, and boom. A community is formed. 

I get fascinated way too easily.  

Relatively nice people and my social anxiety.

I'm waiting for my turn to take an English oral examination. The rest of the girls are taking selfies and having fun. They just included me in one of their selfies, which I suppose is meant to be a friendly gesture. I have absolutely nothing against them. I'm very amused by how cheerful and energetic they all are; I'm just terrified.

First of all, I do not wish to diagnose myself with any mental disorder. First I thought it was depression, and I because very quiet and unresponsive. Then I thought I was having panic attacks, and now I hyperventilate every now and then. I know for sure I'm terrified of socializing with people who seem more enthusiastic than me, but I don't know if that's perfectly normal. It can be. These things tend to be rather intimidating.

I'm just sitting here, discreetly reading articles that may not be socially acceptable to read, trying to get into that 'mood' of high standards of the English language. I've been told that my English is good, but I'm never satisfied with myself. Insatiable. I always think that I'm merely surrounded by people with bad English, not that my English is anywhere near good.

Again, I'm just bored because I still have perhaps half an hour or so before I sit for the exam myself. I don't think I was going anywhere with this. Goodbye.

Important notes to self.

I'm assuming birthdays aren't too much a big of a deal these days, but I should probably treasure my 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays. Because movie privileges. And other legal stuff.

Today hasn't gone really well so far- my tumblr friends are in a bit of a metaphorically heavy storm where she's in danger and he's 3000 miles away, and family problems where I feel like no one really gives a shit. Which is fine, but all the hurting and lying is not very cool. However, I need to remember that there are people out there who love (hurt) random strangers even though they don't know of their existence. I also need to remember to love myself. Apparently that's pretty important. The internet taught me that.

So. No matter what you're facing, no matter what you're going through, even if you literally have no one in your life that cares for you, always remember to love yourself. That's really important. And you can always talk to the amazing people online. They care. Even though they can't fix your problem or they're really bad at counseling. Even if it takes you years to find someone to actually give you attention and love you and show you they care. Be as patient as you can. Stay strong. As cheesy as all those quotes on tumble sound, they fucking love you.

Homeschooling.

As a person who is terrified of people that I have to stick around with for long periods of time, I wish homeschooling was more popular here. I've heard of people who were homeschooled and finished high school before they were 16, and are now pretty intellectual people whom I respect and admire.

I love using the internet. I've learnt a whole bunch of stuff from it. I do find online research a little tough and tedious for me, because its contents are so much more complex than I need it to be. It's gradually becomes hell for me when I'm researching on a subject/topic that I have no interest in. That being said, I just sat through two hours of chemistry while having to do a worksheet without my textbook. All I had was my phone, an internet connection and 20% battery. Everyone else either had textbooks, friends or teachers. I refuse to ask for help, because I don't have any doubts about the information I'm given. I just don't have any information.

So, I went online, google came to the rescue, and I appreciate the search engine's existence. However, the sites I came across used terms that I've never heard of. This was frustratingly inconvenient and I was dying to get home.

Still, despite this flaw, I would love to do more online research. I just need to be better at doing it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Believe it or not, this was not quoted by a Kelly Clarkson song. The original quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, was actually "Out of life's school of war: what does not destroy me, makes me stronger."

I agree with Mr Nietzche. Whatever shitstorm you go through and whatever the outcome, as long as you're still physically alive, will eventually make you stronger. I'm pretty sure most people have gone through some tough times that were difficult to handle. Whether or not we were alone during these times is a whole nother story. If you have loved ones caring for you, then good for you, it probably hurt a lot less. But if you're alone, then stay strong because that's a real survivor.

I understand that people with severe depression will disagree with this quote, but I choose to believe that the Ed Sheeran gif on tumblr with this quote went viral because people were overwhelmed by their emotions and psychologically influenced by music.

Anyway. In my opinion, the reason why we become stronger after an emotional (or physical, idk) battle is because we end up creating our own personal life lessons and theories/principles that we begin to live by. My number one principle is to not fucking trust anyone. I don't know if it sounds harsh but that's kinda what I've learnt. Ironically, I have impulsively told a couple of people some things that I probably should've have told them- just because I was in a really happy and bubbly mood. I had faith in humanity, basically.

So, stay strong and learn stuff from the shit that you go through. ^^

Reminder: It's 2014. (Feminism, equality and rape culture)

Feminism defined by Wikipedia: "Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending a state of equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist advocates or supports the rights and equality of women."

Quick reminder: Feminism is equality, not women over men.

Anyway. Today was an insanely hot day, and anyone with the right mind would probably prefer to wear a tank top instead of a normal T-shirt. I had home tuition today and my tutor is in his mid-40s with a horrible sense of humor and a rapidly balding head. Also the tuition is held in the living room so my parents don't have to worry about me. This, I completely understand. Asian parents tend to worry about their child getting sexually violated, and I appreciate their concern. However, after the tuition, they proceed to warn me to never wear a tank top in front of my tutor ever again. Side note: My tank top isn't showing skin that's anywhere near my boobs, and my hair is covering my shoulders. I'm just really warm.

I don't know how I'm going to put all this content together, but my point is:

Women don't deserve to get raped just because they dress inappropriately. Men will always have a choice to not rape a beautiful lady. Chivalry isn't dead. Don't rape her. Sex should always be safe, sane and consensual. And if you're into rape fantasy, remember to keep it as a fantasy.

I should also remind you that men can also be raped, regardless the rapist's gender. And that is not because the male victim is weak and unable to protect himself. It is never the victim's fault.

(This post is a mess. I'm just going to be irresponsible and leave this here, but I think I've made my point. Just not all of it. Idk.)

Reminder: It's 2014. (LGBT)

Recently, more and more people are starting to accept the LGBT community, to treat everyone with equality as much as possible, and that's absolutely wonderful. Personally, I'm not too eager to stick a label on myself, but I suppose I'm cisgender for now. However, if I were to start to doubt that, the society I currently live in will not allow that. The lovely people I've met online have told me that it doesn't matter what your gender is, and you should be proud of who you are. Many random strangers online love you, no matter who you are, even though they probably don't even know you exist.

Unfortunately, the people around me are very against lgbt rights, and I am not even allowed to get the least bit offended by that. Recently, I came across a Britain's Got Talent audition where three guys flamboyantly danced around in high heels. My younger brother who is 11 this year, starting screaming, "GAY!" This became insanely repetitive and I was both offended and disappointed that he still thinks being gay is wrong. My father walks past and also disapproves of the three seemingly gay men on the television screen. As I attempt to share my opinion, he stops me and insists that their actions are very wrong and are meant to be laughed at.

Dan Howell (aka danisnotonfire, a YouTuber notoriously known for being socially awkward) recently posted a video for his series 'Internet Support Group', where he gives advice to his fans in need of his help. One of his fans shared that she didn't know what gender she was, and quoted from Dan's answer,

"Why are you trying to put yourself in a box? You are in no rush to decide these things and stick a label on yourself. There doesn't need to be any introducing, you just do whatever you feel like, and at some point, after some experiences, you may know, and if not, it's 2014. Who cares?"

In my opinion, this pretty much explains it all. However, as the only person in this house who approves of lgbt rights, I feel very alone and somewhat trapped. Hopefully, someday I can be around more open-minded people, and at the very least have the freedom to share my opinions with others and respecting each other's opinions.

I'm bored.

I'm in school. Classes haven't started yet so everyone is on their phone. I've finished reading all the articles (written by this amazing author) on VICE, I've pretty much given up my research on endorphins and dopamines... And I suppose it'd be weird to pull out my journal and start writing on actual paper voluntarily. So here I am.

This morning I was motivated to try my best and concentrate/focus today. I'll tell you about that later. As I said, recently I haven't been able to focus very well in school, given the occasional freakout sessions and the random mid-life crisis. Then again, I have been doing other stuff of my own, like writing a story. Creating something. I haven't decided on how the story is going to be written; either the classic story book, a script, a comic, or an animation. Either way, I'm creating something, and the entire process is rather enjoyable. Because I've been doing such irrelevant stuff, I can't exactly concentrate on how many moles sodium chloride has or whatever.

The first few hours of school is going to consist of a PE lesson where I sit by the side and observe people while contemplating the many things in life, and later a school survey. Where I whole-heartedly (and discreetly/anonymously) tell the Ministry of Education how shitty my life in this school has been. Sure I've had some fun and interesting times and I thank the school for that. However I've been through a lot of crap and just, no.

My friend Racheal isn't sitting beside me yet. And it looks like there's about to be a heavy downpour. This should be a great day. I just love being alone while having an amazing weather. And by amazing weather, I mean being able to stay indoors while the heavy downpour drenches anyone else other than me. ^^ I have my Don Quixote book. That amazing author sort of introduced that character to me. She used "quixotic" as one of the words to describe herself. And here I am, reading a book about how some Spanish guy dreamed of becoming a kinight and then going on an adventure to revive chivalry. In the medieval days. When everyone was religious. Yeah.

A random teacher just walked in and confiscated someone's phone. I'm sitting right next to the door. Either I'm actually invisible, people really don't like to scold me, or they really just don't give a shit about anything I do.

PE has started. Bye. 

Stuck.

So my life on the internet has made me very tempted to just leave reality and walk away. Perhaps I'm addicted to the internet, I don't know. Before I go on, let me just put a friendly reminder out there: addiction to anything is bad, not just to the internet. Anyway. Whenever I'm on my phone or computer (or basically whenever I'm feeling anti-social) and someone talks to me, not only do I get annoyed- it's literally starting to hurt my ears. Or my brain. It just hurts like a legitimate "ugh, stop talking". Sadly, this is usually people I can't afford to piss off. And I shan't say who, because society will kill me.

Recently I've been a lot more relaxed about my brother using the computer, because I feel like he's pretty deprived of the internet- so much so that he loves online homework. I suppose he hasn't gone through actual hell before. He got to skip the young scientist project thing that I had to do when I was his age. Twice. Or thrice, I don't remember. It was the first time I realized how much online homework sucks. Then again I'd gladly research a bunch of stuff about endorphins and dopamines. Everything is easier when you have the interest to do it. Another debate/discussion for some other time.

I'm not going anywhere with this. I have spotify in my head and I can't concentrate with music. This is just a really pointless rant. Thanks a lot if you're still reading. But all in all, I just kinda wish I could leave this place asap and choose to live on the internet, with an occasional, stress-free visit to the outside world.

Hiding your identity.

Truth is, I am Iron Man.

Not really. 

I get really fascinated by how the way we dress can change people's impression of us. As you may already know, I have a whole bunch of different personalities, and yesterday I was feeling super bubbly and cute so I dressed accordingly. Today, I'm wearing the same shirt, but I'm feeling very anti-social and I'm in a very contemplative mood. And of course, no one will bother treating me with the same respect as a fully grown adult because, you know, I look like a childish teenager who takes a lot of selfies and hangs out with a lot of loud and obnoxious friends.

Clearly, the image does not correspond with my current personality, but I do somewhat enjoy dressing this way and hiding my actual personality. If anyone ever makes a successful attempt in getting to know me a bit better, they'd be pretty surprised and then they start backing off because they think I'm not fun and adventurous and that contemplative people are frightening. Pretty much the reason why I don't have many close friends.

I'm on my way to church, actually. And I just met an old church friend from the youth service I used to go to. We talked for a bit, and when I had to alight the train first, I was thinking about how quickly I could go from a contemplative frown to the brightest smile you'll ever see. And when I entered the church, the staff greeted me and again, the smile as bright as the sun or seven stars or whatever. Does it make sense to you now?

Look up.

I assume you've heard of the viral video 'Look Up', as it talks about how we use technology so much that we miss out on the many beautiful things in life like breathtaking sceneries or meeting interesting people. Sure, we're pretty obsessed with our phones and computers, and I do agree that people should look up from our phones and tablets when we're outside. Then again, I feel that being online is still pretty beneficial. Without the internet, I probably wouldn't have heard about MH370 or the major Japan earthquake that happened a few years back. No, I don't watch television very much. All I have is a computer/phone and my internet connection.

Being online so much has allowed me to share my opinions (or at least post them on a blog where no one is reading them) with others, to meet new people, and to learn a lot more about the world/universe we live in. I enjoy reading the opinions of others and looking at things with a different perspective. Google also becomes my favourite study buddy, and Siri is very helpful with her friend WolframAlpha.

At the same time, I don't look up my phone when I'm outside. I like to observe things and people, as creepy or interesting as it sounds. But sure, my phone and the internet come in handy when I have to deal with awkward moments.

So there you go. Go explore the world- both real and virtual.

Dealing with people.

Again, I have (at least two) very different personalities- one where I love everyone and one where I hate a lot of people and have no faith in humanity. The latter is my personality for the day. It started out with me being really cheerful until it was ruined by some douchebag who happens to be a 'close' friend. First of all, I know that this friend is really unhealthy for me and he's a bad influence, and that he probably has something going on/wrong in his mind/life. Still, thanks to the internet, I've learnt that I have the right to not give a fuck. I can love myself. If he's a bad influence, I can say no. However this bad influence is spreading this idea to my other friends- that it is really fucking cool to push me around because its just mere teasing and I totally know it's a joke.

You fucking assholes.

There is a limit to everyone's patience. People change. Just because I made fun of my flaws doesn't mean that will still continue to be funny two months later. Once again, thanks to the nicer people on the internet, I've learnt that I shouldn't have immature responses to such immature actions. I can understand why they do things. I could explain this in a really sophisticated manner, but I find it easier to just think:

They're assholes who don't have a life.

And you do. So ignore all the bullshit they're giving you that you clearly do not need in your life, and move on like the fabulous person you are.

Judging a book by its cover.

I suppose most of us have been told to not judge a book by its cover. But guess what? Singapore is still looking at academic results to determine what kind of a person you are. I feel that these things are pretty much inevitable, considering the fact that we naturally judge and give first impressions of the people around us according to the stereotypes that our minds have learnt to recognize.

Similarly, I think Singapore's society would avoid anything that mentions sexually explicit things. However, I've come across someone working in the sex industry, and I was absolutely stunned by how intelligent and talented she is. She writes amazing articles on VICE, is an avid reader, and I'd say she's quite an artist. Anyone would think that such a person deserves more attention, but because she worked in the sex industry, even if she only did a few scenes, barely anyone would bother considering her work outside of the industry.

It's rather unsettling. I want to share her ingenious work to my friends, but I can't do so just because I'd be seen as a disgrace to the society, if you will.

Their loss.