Oh, Mediacorp. You tried.

(I know it looks like some kind of Malay/Indian show because of the font, but don't be too quick to judge)

So lately they've been advertising this little web series called Sabo on toggle.sg, and goodness gracious. Sabo is a prank show where this radio DJ goes around pranking Mediacorp artists. I just watched a few episodes and goodness gracious. The way they reveal to them that is was all a prank was kinda pathetic, which led to equally pathetic reactions. "There's this new web series called sabo and you're being sabo-ed right now." WILL PROBABLY LEAD TO "Oh. Okay. Heh yeah it was kinda funny. What's next on my boring schedule." However, "There's actually no need to worry because YOU'VE JUST BEEN SABO-ED!!!!!!!!!! *CHEER AND LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING FROM PRODUCTION TEAM*" will most definitely lead to "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA WTF" Or at the very least a fml facepalm with a bit of cringe. Like even Gordon Ramsay had a good enough reaction. Also, it seems like these actors don't even know their fellow colleagues well enough. Like come on. Even if you're all working on different platforms and channels, know your people. Make more friends. Goodness freaking gracious.

Kudos to Mediacorp for actually trying though, and kudos to MDA for not being an uptight prick about it. Sigh. Entertainment could be so much more if they had a competitor. Channel 8 is doing a well enough job and that's cool, while Channel 5 needs to up their game. A lot. Perhaps it'll get somewhere about 10 years down the road.

Youtube - Television.

Too many things have happened. I couldn't be more proud of all my favorite YouTubers.

But remember, I also really like Ant and Dec and I read their book and everything and I know roughly how many people is involved in a single TV show and how much effort it takes. So I can kinda understand why all these TV people don't really like YouTubers. It looks as if YouTubers just need to sit in their bedrooms with a camera and talk about anything they like and they can get as many views as the TV people can. I mean, I don't know the numbers, but I'm sure it's not easy to get to a million views for either of them.

But no. These YouTubers, at least to me, work really hard and they genuinely love their viewers. They're really nice people and there's a high chance that they're a lot less fake than what television has. But hey, what do I know. I've barely read into any of these things.

I'm just really proud of YouTube and the internet in general. And the pride is starting to overwhelm me.

A foreign life.

So lately I've been thinking about where I'd like to move to, or if I'd like to stay in here in beautiful Singapore. I've nothing against this country- everything works better here, except I can never be excited about fun events that happen in real life. Youtuber tours, their books being sold in real life book stores, attending live book signings, all those super cool things. Also no matter how far we get in the future, the lgbt community will never be accepted here in Singapore with the whole low population and birth rates going on.

The two countries I've considered moving to is the US and England. The US, because the cost of living is incredibly low, but then affordable health care doesn't exist, the crime rates are insane, morals are out of the window, and the people kinda suck. Still, looking at housing in the US- they have pools and cool architecture and two floors and a frickin lawn in their homes. The UK, because it's somewhat similar to Singapore since they once colonized us, the people are nice, everything is nice, but then being there is expensive. Incredibly expensive. And the weather is just, yikes. But then they have nice cool things like cool products and places and all that.

Singapore's not too bad. I just thought that maybe I could live a slightly happier life if I didn't stay in Singapore. No more awkward Chinese New Years, no more being dragged to events I really don't want to attend, not having to deal with family drama. Maybe I could just have a stable home here, but then earn enough money to visit the US or the UK often enough. Yeah. That should be okay.

What is this. (Wednesday, 20 May 2015)

I think I may or may not be falling back into depression. I'd hate to use that term loosely but that is what it feels like. Or I need to come up with another term for... whatever this is. It's wanting and needing to do something but also not being able to find the energy or motivation to. It's feeling all sorts of emotions all at once, and not a single piece of advice helps. It's trying to make your way out of it but failing and giving up. It's wanting to be alone, but feeling like you shouldn't be. It's all one big ball of cloudiness covering up the mess that is my life. And it sucks.

But personally, my opinion on handling these things is to just be alone. My depression a year or so ago was my own personal battle. My own journey out of it. And for now, I don't see how anyone can ever pull anyone out of depression. And that sucks too. I may be incredibly ignorant about it but I don't have any books about it and the internet has divided opinions. So there. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I need to get my shit together by the end of the week. I've important tests next week and I can't fall behind at all. Oh well.

Don't wait for the world to be ready.

Can I just talk about how beautiful was Joey Graceffa's way of coming out? He made a music video called Don't Wait, and the day after he posted a vlog to clear up any more doubts his audience had. And both videos very beautiful. It's no doubt that his coming out inspired other people to do the same. His was a lot more different and very, very unique.

I've never agreed to something so much before. The things he said in his vlog were absolutely amazing and so inspiring. To quote the video, "It's just so cool to see this kids, this new generation coming out and we can get rid of all those old people who don't accept it and start a new world of it being fully accepted." This is where I become even more proud of our generation. And then there's also, "Sometimes it's not the right time to do it but if you feel like it is the right time, then do it. But in no way if you feel like you're unsafe or it's not the right time or place to do it, then you don't have to. No one's making you do anything."

I bought his book In Real Life. I can't wait to read it. He's been through so much and although I've grown tired of most of the content on Youtube, I still stand by the fact that these Youtubers are such an inspiration and play really important roles in impacting our generation positively and making the world a better place to live in.

Except these things are only happening online. There's a whole new vibrant life on the internet, on social networking platforms like Tumblr and Youtube, but the adults, the people who aren't in this part of society fail to see that and those people won't be influenced by all the positivity. I just hope for the best for our generation and the world. Hoping that more people join this society- this population, and eventually change the world for good.

So remember. You're not wasting your life on the internet. You can do so much more. Fight and change the world with us ^_^

Sunday, 17 May 2015.

Today hasn't ended yet, but I thought I'd write this while waiting for my phone to charge. Today started out pretty great- Joey Graceffa came out as gay through his new music video Don't Wait and kissed a dude! I mean, everyone could tell right from the start, but even though he hadn't came out back then, whatever, I was fine with him being straight. But we're all so proud of him for finally coming out, especially having gone through many rough times. So now both Joey and Connor have come out, which is really cool. Equally proud of both of them. Sigh.

At church the pastor explained about hell which cleared up many doubts for me, especially with testimonies from a doctor who brings people back to life. When the non-believers came back to life, they pleaded the doctor to keep using the defibrillator on them because they didn't want to go back to being dead. But when the believers came back to life, they kinda just looked at the doctor like, "Dude what are you doing". So that was calming. Then there was a celebration for the same pastor's birthday, which is always really fun. The other pastors came up with a hilarious skit and played the video, dressed in The Avengers outfits. I love it when all these pastors come out and do a skit, because it really does instil a huge sense of belonging to the church, at least for me. And despite having performed in ridiculous outfits, we all still have the same amount of respect towards all of them.

And then, I helped out my Mom at my granddad's house. Which is another detail of the whole shitstorm aftermath thing. I hope these things are worthwhile. At the very least, doing these things prove nice things about myself to myself. Like, these are the kinds of things future Clara would look back on and then hug and cuddle and comfort me. Won't you? I know you're there. Hope you're dong well.

And now I'm home, where just a while ago in the toilet I was having really mixed up feelings that I was having a hard time trying to sort out. Worrying/pondering about the future as always. I hope things are fine. And if they're not right now, just keep on going. All the Claras are rooting for you always. <3

Same to anyone else potentially reading this. Be nice to yourself.

The frustration.

I like to think that I can communicate with my past and future selves. Take this blog for an example- I'm always talking to you, future Clara, and maybe some close friends and a few random strangers here and there. Sometimes I look back and think, "Past Clara would be so proud of me right now" or "I'm so proud of baby Clara, showing off my personality the moment I was out of the womb" (Quite literally, my impatience was first seen from wiggling out of the womb on my own with the nurse screaming at my Mom to wait for the doctor and my Mom screaming back, "I'M NOT PUSHING!!!")

But sometimes, I think about what future Clara would say to me right now. I know doing it will definitely get rid of the frustration but the people around me right now aren't the same friendly people you see online or here from all the inspirational stories. But still. What would you say to me now?

Dear future me, this meant something to you.

You're the only person who will 100% understand why you relate to this song, so I'm not gonna explain much. This song made you wet your eyes and maybe shed a tear or two but you never actually cried like you did for the previous song. And perhaps you never will, and I'll never decide on a reason why.

To anyone else, it's a good song, and if you understand it, let's just keep it low key because its kinda cool and beautiful.




An eight year old girl had a panic attack
'Cause the father she loved left and never looked back
No longer the hero she counted on
He told her he loved her and then he was gone

She tried to look happy in front of her friends
But knew that she'd never feel normal again
She fought back the tears as they filled her eyes
And wanted him back just to tell him goodbye

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

Her dad was a good guy that everyone liked
But nobody knew he was dying inside
He promised his family he'd be alright
And then with a gunshot he left them behind

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end, no.

The role of a father he never deserved
He abandoned his daughter and never returned
And over the years though the pain was real
She finally forgave him and started to heal

How close is the ending, well, nobody knows
The future's a mystery and anything goes
Love is confusing and life is hard
You fight to survive 'cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend
It's just the beginning this isn't the end
It's just the beginning this isn't the end

Unhealthy people.

No, I don't mean fat or physically unfit. I mean people who are considered unhealthy to hang around with. They suck, so how do you handle them?

I like to think of myself as a very passionate person. Whenever people tried to fuck around with me as a kid, for a long time I'd try to fight back. If they pinched me once, I'd run them over with a frickin army tank. Not really. I'm not a violent person, I prefer actually using my brain. Anyway. I got bred after a while, and tried to find better ways. I did try the whole "don't let it affect you" method, but clearly at 10 years old I wasn't going to understand how that works anytime soon. But now it has.

When someone is just trying to be an idiot and screw around with you just for his or her own amusement, seriously, ignore. You can go ahead and play for a short while, then without any warning, stop. Sure, they feel an initial sense of victory, but then they start to feel like a pathetic mess when rubbing their short-lived victory in your face does nothing.

And I'm very sure you're able to see who's horrendously unhealthy for you. If they're never being nice, if they're always hurting you, they don't deserve to be in your life. Cut them out. Even if they're family or you're stuck with them for a long period of time. You can still cut them out. If it's a classmate that you're forced to work on a project with, then it's just a group member. Zero feelings involved. This is how you win at life. Because each time you give in and not take revenge, it adds one point to you for being a better person, and another point to the bad guys for being dicks and inevitably regretting it horribly later in life. Because a life of hurting others is not a life worth living. You'd just be living for others and not for yourself. See? Best revenge ever. Because they can't take those moments back. All that time bullying others, wasted. While you lived and grew as a person.

I said give in and not take revenge, but please do stand up for yourself. If you're like 8 years old and someone is stealing your stuff in school, SPEAK UP FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Never let others physically harm you or push you down in terms of academic progress or other officey terms. All this is just to protect you from emotional harm. That you can control.

So remember. If there are any dicks and assholes in your life (not the actual body part, you know what I mean), protect yourself. Be the better person, and take it as an opportunity to grow and be an emotionally stronger person.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015.

School's been going well so far. I still haven't fallen behind yet, which is great. But one thing that's cool is that I've been given many opportunities to experience a whole bunch of stuff and it's only the fourth week of the semester. So yes, thanks, NYP.

For one, I've been offered the chance to meet the directors of the school/polytechnic (idk about the details, they kinda just said directors) along with the two class representatives,  I have to do a marketing presentation with Stacy where we need to dress professionally, and the teacher put me as the group leader for a communication skills project with three other popular people I've never really spoken to. You'd think I'd say no to at least one of these, but I haven't. I kinda decided that this is the year I'm going to give everything a go and do my best. I'm even planning on quitting band and joining Student Union, which is basically the prefects of the polytechnic. Besides, band is too tiring.

Also, we had a programming practical as usual today, and I'm a very impatient person. I'm always eager to go home if I don't have any questions to ask. And whenever this is the case and the teacher announces that we may leave once we're done with our work, I panic and try to finish it asap. Yes, I get impatient with myself. So the teacher makes the announcement 20 minutes before class is supposed to end, and I rush my last few programs. I finish my work 10 minutes after class is scheduled to end and I frantically/excitedly pack up my bag, ready to get the hell out of there. Don't get me wrong, programming is fun, but you get what I mean. And just as I zip up my bag, I hear, "Excuse me, Clara, how do you do this program?" I look up, and the native chinese girl (who skips many classes) beckon me to come over. Too late. I walk over, and she was still at the last program, still needing to add in a lot more codes. Try to imagine the pain in my heart. And yet, I stuck it through and basically did everything for her while briefly explaining what I was doing. I have no clue how and why I stayed back to help, and although I've already complained this to a friend before writing this, I'm a tiny bit glad I stayed. It kinda adds on to the image I have of myself. Remember the whole loving yourself thing? Yeah. I'm doing nice things for myself. I want the 7 year old me to be proud of who I am today. <3

Freedom of speech.

So recently Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away, and it was a huge moment for the whole of Singapore to go through. And in light of this event, a teenage boy posted a video on Youtube expressing his opinions about Singapore's former prime minister and Christianity. The video went viral, he's in trouble with the law, and it's starting to get really, really annoying.

First of all. There are so many people out there who are just like this teenage boy- using social media to express offensive opinions and statements. So who's to say there will never be people like that in Singapore? Correct me if I'm wrong, but in Singapore, the one thing that applies to majority of the laws is that you can do whatever weird thing you want, as long as it doesn't involve murder and you do it in the privacy of your own home. From what I've read online, it seems like Singapore just doesn't want you to go around spreading your weird shit to others. Like you can walk around your house naked for all I care, just close the damn doors and draw the curtains.

So there. Everyone has their opinions, right or wrong, let them have it, but don't let their offensive opinions spark fires, start shitstorms, and get followers.

Recently in my Pillars of Life module, the lecturer made me realize something I never really thought about before. She was talking about the different generations and what kind of people they were, and then she got down to Generation Y, which is us. And the description for our generation was that we were the most likely to change the world by being the most influential. Thanks to social media.

And I could see that- we're finally doing something about racism, sexism and basically freedom and equality in general. All because we're spending so much time on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Youtube. To think we were making jokes about wasting our lives on the internet- we might even be able to change it.

So yes. Freedom of speech. Does it exist? No. Is that a good thing? Kinda. But you know what will be really cool? Having the freedom of speech but being able to filter out the useless, negative stuff until it becomes unacceptable. I say useless because when I get into a debate with someone, I encourage disagreements. Friendly, proper, mature disagreements. Basically the ones with a logical/reasonable explanation and not just a simple "No" and topped off with pathetic irrelevant insults.

I wonder if we can actually change the world, and how long it'll take.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Britain's Got Talent just ended. That's just about as close as Singapore can get to a tiny dose of Ant and Dec. Anyway.

I have Fridays off, but I went back to school for a project. Anyway. Had my dinner, met up with Racheal, then we walked over to AJC for Aaron's music club concert. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. Or maybe I did; I never liked singing teenagers. Maybe I just have high expectations for teen vocalists, since the music industry is so huge. So the concert was awful- the vocalists ruined a lot of good songs like Bon Jovi's It's My Life, Taylor Swift's Ours, and many others that I wouldn't like to remember. Racheal and I cringed. A lot. One of the singers thought she could write a parody song of Taylor Swift's Hey Stephen and get away with it. She didn't. I knew.

It was okay I guess, making the effort to actually turn up. I'm a good friend. Honestly, I could've gotten up and left during the intermission, but I was there and I stayed for the rest of it purely for support. Also Racheal's necklace was with Aaron, so we couldn't exactly leave, but still. The inevitable encore at the end was good, only because it was Uptown Funk and Aaron came out wearing sunglasses and did a sassy dance. So yeah. I got the whole thing on video, too. It ended late thanks to a lot of unnecessary stuff during the concert, but thankfully I got home just in time for Britain's Got Talent.

Walking around the JC for half an hour before the concert really made me appreciate poly life a lot more. When I entered, I could sense the stress and anxiety, and to me it was just the hell version of a secondary school. Everything looked so boring, everyone was in uniforms/school shirts, it was awful. It made me realize how much better our learning environment was, and how much difference it actually makes. Being in poly makes me open up my mind a bit more and feel that much more creative. We don't have homework, worksheets, essays, and just a ton of paper in general. We have binded lecture notes, projects, and computers. It really has helped me a lot so far. There's no stress, just challenges, and it's given me so many opportunities to try a whole bunch of different things. I've met so many new people and I'm able to socialize a lot better. My friends are quiet and aren't very enthusiastic when it comes to giving ideas, so I'm kind of forced to be enthusiastic and all leader-like. Otherwise, we wouldn't get anything done. Honestly. Also, I've been chosen to go meet the director of the school. I didn't think it was a big deal at first, it was just a thing I had to do. But according to my friends' reactions, I guess it's somehow a big deal. I don't know.

Poly's been keeping me away from home, coming back late at night and all that. I'll try not to disappear as much as other typical teenagers.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015.

Poly's actually going pretty well so far. I'm always relieved when I still haven't started to hate life just a few weeks into the new semester. Everything seemed pretty tough at first, but it's actually quite alright.

I finally understood all of programming today, and knew what to type for a program and why. It's actually quite fun and satisfying once you get the hang of it. I even helped my friend Stacy with her's! I figured it'd be best not to create tension and potential rivalry by leaving someone in the lurch. And she helped me a little too, so everything went brilliantly and it felt amazing. There wasn't any competition with each other, but personally I was just challenging myself to actually write a successful program on the first try.

Then I had to head to sectionals for band, and I was going to meet our French Horn tutor for the first time. The closest person I've ever had to a legitimate tutor was Mr Darren (?) Sim, our conductor who plays French Horn professionally. Or just plain beautifully. I don't know.

Sectionals went well; I remembered how nice it was to have a tutor instead of just trying to figure things out on your own and not knowing how to improve on sound. It was a nice little challenge for me, because it's been more than a year since I've done music theory and I've forgotten majority of it. And yet I dared to tell our Tutor (when he asked) that I knew how to read bass clef. Now I've a score with bass clefs and we're expected to do transpositions and all that complicated musical stuff. Another challenge was switching the keys back and forth in between numerous scores. I'm not as flexible as I used to be anymore. But I did get a few praises here and there which was nice, because I knew how I was doing. Everyone in NVSB only corrected each other and I never knew if moving on to the next person meant that I'd done well or so horribly that they just gave up. Anyway, the tutor fascinated me because when he somehow knew who our previous conductors were just by telling him our secondary schools, I realized how huge the social circle is among conductors. I was very tempted to ask him about Mr Choy and Mr Sim because I think they were great, simply because they actually bothered about French Horn.

I've been looking back and learning from past mistakes, desperately trying not to make the same ones again. I know I get tired from socializing easily, so I've tried to not give a burst of enthusiasm and sociability, and instead using lectures and classes to calm down before I have to socialize during projects and after-school activities. This has been going really well, and I'm not at all tired from socializing. And even though band seems to be a bit of a challenge, it's one I'm willing to take. Step by step. :)