My social life (and also my femininity).

I just downloaded this app called Dayre which is some kind of social media platform but with blogs. Something like tumblr, except your blog's content is your personal life. Idk how to describe it. I'm bad at this. Anyway. I wanted to use it to stalk people I'm not closed to but am still interested in their daily lives. To see what they're up to these days. And because I was an awkward little shit who barely talked to these people, I remained anonymous. I'm sure they should be able to figure it out somehow since I'm following so many people who know each other, but whatevs.

And here's the thing. I just got back from trying to shop at Vivo City, looking at clothes I would probably never wear. Like seriously. I tried on this simple flowery shirt that I thought looked okay, but when I wore it, I looked like a cross-dressing dude. I DO NOT HAVE A DUDE'S BODY. My boobs may be small but there's a reason why I don't identify as a transgender male. But out of pure curiosity and slight suspicion, I looked up 'lesbian fashion' and... Well shit. This is kinda what I want to wear. To be a female but also kinda not. To be a female but also fuck shit up and own it.

Anyway. Back to Dayre. I stalked some people, most of them are girls, and one feminine dude, and damn. Everyone was socializing, having fun, and writing deep, typical teenager quotes. Listen. I would love to have that many friends and have a birthday party and take a bunch of cool photos. I would love to hang out with this many people at one time and be so chill with every single one of them. I would love to dress more feminine. I would love to have more feminine thoughts. But the truth is, that's just not me. As much as I'd love to hang out with that many people all at one go, I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's social anxiety, but I don't want to blame everything on mental illnesses (even though yes it's a thing to be taken seriously but STILL). I would love to become more feminine. That's why I try. But every time I walk into Topshop, Forever 21, or pretty much any clothing store that's very gender-based, I feel like I don't belong. I feel people judging me. Which, then again, is true. I don't belong. I'm not like these people. I just happen to not have that much estrogen in me.

Sigh. I always talk about loving yourself as you are, and I do. But do I want to change myself to become more feminine? I don't know.

Femininity.

So I'm a girl.

Am I a girl in the head? Maybe like a good 30-40%. I'm still cisgender, but I'm just a rather masculine woman. I love feminine girls. They're pretty, they're neat, they smell nice and they intimidate me. Mainly because I'm terrified that I might disgust them or something. I don't know. But society has taught me that because I have a set of tits and a vagina, I should be like them. And the 60-70% of me don't give a shit, but truth is, I still try. Vampire Diaries was an attempt. But then I started liking it for the literal backstabbing and the blood and how cool the whole TVD universe is. Fail. I tried watching make up tutorials, but I genuinely cannot stay interested for more than 20 seconds.

I acknowledge the fact that makeup can fix my face. But I'm genuinely not interested. Plus, have you seen how fucking expensive makeup is? Sigh. You know what I'm interested in? Financial stability. So fuck society's gender roles.

Hatred.

I don't know when or how this happened. Maybe God answered my prayers to be a better and happier person, to spread love to others and not hurt them. Because there was this one time where I realized how much of an ass I was being and I didn't want to be an asshole anymore. I'm probably still an ass, but surely something has changed. Because lately, I find it ever so slightly disturbing when I see people have so much hatred in their hearts. I wonder why they're so full of hatred, but at the same time I keep in mind that it's probably a normal human feeling or they might be having a bad day. Basically I try not to hate them or blame them for being so hateful. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

Maybe Tumblr has turned me into this cautious sjw. I don't want to hurt, annoy or judge anyone. I could continue to elaborate, but it might get complicated and too long. I've been subconsciously trying so hard to please everyone, which probably isn't mentally healthy. And I know who these hateful people are, and I'm trying to either fix these unhealthy relationships or try to cut them off altogether. Idk. I'm still figuring things out. 

Overcoming social anxiety. (Monday, 27 July 2015)

Recently I've been forcing myself to try new things and do shit that scares me, in hopes of overcoming my social anxiety and being more adventurous in general. I've started to help out at events alone, because I've realized that just because everyone around me only cares about cca points and not the experience, doesn't mean I have to miss out on these experiences too. And it's going really well. I've learnt to make temporary friends quickly. I've made many mistakes and I cringe all the time, but I've learnt to deal with these insecurities.

I also learnt that people actually give a shit about me. These four people I met last Saturday, it was busy and crowded and I got separated from them and didn't think much of it, assuming I was invisible to them and they didn't give a shit either. But when I met up with them again later that day, Rachel, the 4th girl from the left asked me where I'd been and why I didn't pick up her call. Call? She actually bothered to call me? I hadn't even given her my number, so she had to search through the list of numbers in the whatsapp group. She cared enough to do that?

Plus, they beckoned me to come over to take that picture with them. I was the last one to join that clique and I was still pretty quiet; they actually gave a shit about me??? Clearly, I got really confused. Because being invisible and ignored is what I've gotten used to for the past few years. I embraced it. Invisibility is a fucking superpower. But it also feels so great to know that people care.

And because I've learnt to deal with cringing at my mistakes thanks to my insecurities, I've started to be more active in whatsapp group chats. It sounds pathetic, but it is actually quite a big thing for me. You send something, and it's there for everyone to see. You can't delete it, you can't hope that no one saw, and it will be there for a long, long time. Terrifying. But recently, I've been trying to be unapologetically myself. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo who asked for everyone's names all at once while everyone was using their phones. I try not to give a shit that I'm the weirdo with the awkward/shitty social skills. There's a reason behind all my actions and decisions, and if you gave a shit, you'd know and you'd understand and you'd forgive. Now I just need to forgive myself. 

Relationships and vulnerability. (Wednesday, 22 July 2015)

I met up with Racheal today to study and watch Antman. Movie was great, spoiler alert: Anna Akana makes an awesome cameo near the end.

Youtuber, movie maker, overall awesome beautiful person. I fangirled. I got home and I started watching some of her old videos again. She has an aerial hoop that makes a few appearances in her videos, and she does a bit of aerial from time to time. And by the way, a lyra is one of the sexiest things a woman can own. I first came across this art form a year or so ago from a lady I look up to and respect, and I wish I could do aerial hoops if it'd suited me better. The thing about my gender is that sometimes I'm feminine and care a lot about my femininity, and sometimes I really don't give a fuck. They're all phases I go through and it slides back and forth. Anyway.

Lyra is hot, both Anna and Kalel do it. Hell, Kalel even knows the art of pole dancing. Also hot, but not as much. Then I went back to watch old Wulas videos where Kalel was still with Anthony and was doing those sexy feminine hobbies and she was fit and had two cute cats and had her shit together. Kalel back then was one of my role models when it came to being fit and clean and neat and all those stuff. And I miss watching Anthony and Kalel being together in those blogs. They were adorable.

I'm just turned 17 and I still haven't been in a legitimate relationship, which is fine. But at this age and with this much sexual activity, clearly I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm still planning to just que sera sera everything, because going outside and looking for someone to love you back really is just going to end up in disappointment. At the same time, I'm shit at flirting, sexting and even knowing if someone actually likes me. So probably not anytime soon.

Speaking of exploring sexualities and a healthy amount of sexual activity, I've started to be more open with paraphilia. I don't hide things anymore, but neither do I rub them in people's faces. I did introduce Racheal to bdsm dirty talk and fantasy scene audios, and all I can say is that she needs to know that this is real life and Christian Grey does not exist. Recently I've come across this new paraphilia that I've come across but have yet to explore, and I think I want to learn more about it. In no way am I aroused by it, I'm just interested in any paraphilia that is popular enough to hold an entire community. It's just interesting. I'm not going to talk about much here, because paranoia and all. But if you're close to me and you're comfortable with such topics, I assure you that I will bring it up someday.

Feeling like a little. (Wednesday, 15 July 2015)

There's no school today because there aren't any more marketing lectures! But then there's two tests coming up next week, so I had to study. And guess what, I did! Steve from the ruleset made a video for people studying for finals and that sort of inspired today's productivity. I had a rewards system and it worked really well and it felt amazing.

I've started watching Steven Universe lately and it's so good. Honestly, go watch it. It belongs to the holy trinity of the millennial's cartoon set: Adventure Time, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe. Amazing. Rebecca Sugar is a genius. I also have a crush on a lot of the characters.

Speaking of crushes, I told canada-cry that I had a crush on her! Well, anonymously. But then when she replied and pleaded for the anon to emerge from behind the screen, I subtly typed in "but some people are shy" or something like that. She privately messaged me back acknowledging my comment, but I'll never know if she actually knew it was me. She's really pretty. And cool. Her Tumblr is awesome. Her background image says 'EAT SHIT SENPAI'. I'll never get over that. But I'm glad I told her, even if that didn't go anywhere and I don't even know if she's straight. Oh well. We'll still remain as quiet Tumblr friends.

In between. (Sunday, 12 July 2015)

I had a really bad morning today. Woke up to my Mom rambling about the shitstorm. Clearly, emotions are heightened during the day and the night, so I started feeling anxious and angry and annoyed and excused myself from a 8:30am church service. But really I just wanted to cry. And so I did. I flipped a switch, found out that one of my favourite Tumblr bloggers (Steve from trs) followed me back on snapchat (yay),  then went back to bed. The nap helped; I dreamt of me trying to save my Mom from this alternate universe, this 'other side'. I'm not an expert on oneirology, I don't know. But it did kind of make me feel better, since I never have nightmares. I don't consider any of my dreams to be nightmares.

I was still feeling a little shit, so I went out alone for lunch and then headed to a 2:30pm church service. When I got to the train station near a service venue, an Indian tourist approached me to ask for recommendations of where he should go before he heads for his flight home. I'm very proud of Singapore's tourism industry. I was ecstatic. I wanted to leave the best impression of Singapore for him. So I suggested the Singapore River. Idk how that turned out. But I was happy and feeling like this trip alone was going amazingly well.

The service starts and guess what- Darlene Zschech was visiting and was going to do Praise & Worship. It was amazing. The last song that came on, Good good Father by Housefires, made me cry. Like, really cry. I was sobbing, while trying to not look like a lonely crying weirdo. The sermon was good. The day was good.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I've been watching my diet lately, since I haven't been exercising. It's one of these recurring phases that I have. It's likely that I'll be back to midnight-snacking soon. I hope not though. Oh well.