FUCKING RELIGION.

So I was the one who wanted to attend church regularly ever since I was a kid. My parents' never obliged, because they thought I "wouldn't be able to wake up in time" (keeping in mind that there are services held later in the day). After my parents' divorce and my granddad's passing, we started attending a mega church.

The first few months were great, there was even one point where I had my "religious phase". I wasn't shoving religion down people's throats (at least I hope not), I was just unashamed of my religion. I attended the youth services for about a month before I got sick of the obnoxious teens there. In the midst of my depression and addictions, I went to church services alone at a cinema venue where I didn't really care about what the pastor was preaching and even got defensive about some of the messages. Then when I felt better, I went back to attending church with my Mom again. I even got baptised a few months ago, under my Mom's pressure and persuasion. I wasn't even ready. I had to shut off my emotions after being too nervous about it. I think some of the nerves came from watching a Bioshock Infinite gameplay where the pastor was baptising some dude and kept dunking his head under the water because he "wasn't clean enough", and I thought my pastor would never be done with me. I'm filthy.

As you can see, the whole religion thing has been a roller coaster. There were some religious days and there were some "fuck this shit" days. And while I still believe in the existence of a loving God, there is one thing that will never change- I'm always uncomfortable talking about my religion with other Christians. Unless we're discussing and debating logic and cool stories, I'm not going to share with you about my own personal relationship with this God. And unless you're the actual Jesus, don't you dare tell me what you think is the truth. Don't tell me what to feel or think. I appreciate your concern, but please don't pray with me, even if it's for me.

You see, my Mom is one of the people who shoves religion down other people's throats, especially mine. She tells me I'm not a "true Christian" because I don't do certain obsessive religious things. She thinks a lack of Christmas decorations are a sin. This is very clearly an invasion of my privacy. And so help me, if I hear one more religious sentence come out of her mouth, I'm going to explode. I'm going to stop going to church, and I'm going to write a very long post about why. The whole mega church thing is already playing a huge part of this decision.

We'll see what happens.

Not welcomed anywhere.

Sense of belonging is really important to me. It's the reason why I'm one hell of a patriotic Singaporean and why I (or at least used to) see myself as a decently loyal person. It's why I love all the communities on Tumblr. Why I love fandoms.

A little touchy and personal, but I don't feel like I belong in my own family. I feel like a fucking lone wolf. Both sides of the extended family hate me, and immediate family members like to fuck around with me and my feelings. As soon as I let my guard down, something reminds me to let it back up and trust no one. I have severe trust issues.

I leave a social group as soon as I get any of the slightest hints that I don't belong and they hate me. It's uncomfortable. The fact that I have no secure sense of belonging makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't belong anywhere. I suppose this is insecurity. And I hate it. As much as I enjoy my own company, I hate not having a home to go back to.

I don't belong anywhere. For now.

My social life.

Remember how I keep talking about envy? I suppose I'm a really envious person. And my envy for others is one reason why I decided that I would 'meet new people' during my first year in NYP. I see a lot of people with social lives and the thought of attending a beach party or a pool party or any party at all is just weirdly appealing, in a relaxed kind of way. I enjoy people and I enjoy the vibe of company. But I've come to realise that interacting with a large group of people is not my forte.

Whenever I tell someone that I genuinely enjoy my own company and I love being alone, they look at me like I'm a fucking psycho. But I do. I go for hour long walks at night on my own, I can't sleep without spending time alone with myself first, and I love running errands alone because it gives me a reason to get out of the house and spend some time 'alone'. What I mean by that, is that you could be surrounded by people but still be alone. Because you're not interacting with anyone or connecting with them on a deeper social level. And I find that very calming somehow.

But this isn't good for the portfolio/future résumé that I'm trying to beautify. I'm guessing that NYPSUJC is only recruiting extroverts with their own definition of leadership. I'm most definitely not an extrovert, and neither do I have charisma.  It's something I don't have much of. Knowing me, if I have something about myself I want to improve, I'll go find a way to do it and get it done. But do I want to be more charismatic? Yeah, sure. It'll make it easier to make friends, I think. But charismatic is something I'm not, and I treasure that fact sometimes. Do I want to change that? Who knows.

FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY AM I SO USELESS

You know, as much as I stand by the fact that the phrase 'Jack of all trades, master of none' is missing out the 'but better than a master of one' part, I'm still not satisfied with myself.

I've come to realize that I really am a perfectionist through and through. I hate it when things go wrong and I can't fix it. I spend extra time and effort making sure everything is perfect. Just last Friday I was doing a set of review questions for programming, and I got 10/15 right. But no, I wasn't about to just leave it at that and go about with my academic life. I needed the 15/15. The teacher suggested that while it was a multiple attempts review test, the system would only take the first score. But I still went ahead and didn't stop until I got my perfect score anyway.

I like to think that this somehow relates to my frustration that I'm not 100% good at anything. I can knit, kinda. I can play music, kinda. I know music theory, kinda. I can cook, take photos, code,  journal, analyze people's minds for fun- but these are merely just things I'm interested in, know a bit of, and never got anywhere with it. What's ironic is that I specialize in neither self-hatred nor self-love.

And yet all I do is complain about it. <-- Justification of my self-hatred

Weird mental health thing.

Everything is weird. It's like a flu that keeps coming back. I'm tired of this on and off thing. I'm tired of not having my thoughts straight. I'm tired of being two extreme versions of myself and switching back and forth with multiple flicks of a flu switch. I'm tired of not being able to access proper help like I used to.

Last night I wrote in my actual physical journal about how much it scares me to not hate all of this weird mental health thing. But one thing I do hate is anxiety. I hate worrying about things that don't matter to everyone but me. I hate worrying about people. People scare me and as much as I try to repress that feeling and put myself out there, it comes back.

Everything is weird, I'm tired, I hate everything but also not everything.

Envy, part three.

This is post-depressed me talking about envy. Also yes I've started writing again, because fortunately I don't feel like my brain is being constantly gnawed on anymore, though the tiny bit of self-hatred still lingers. ANYWAY.

While we're on the topic of self-hatred, it explains this new kind of envy I'm experiencing. I've never felt this before- being attractive. I come across countless pictures of pretty girls whom I not only start to get physically attracted to, but I also start to envy their level of attractiveness. And no matter what other people say, I still see myself as a fatass. It's my stomach. It's my thighs. It's wobbling fat that makes me pant every time I climb a single flight of stairs. And not only do I hate how fat I've gotten from binge-eating, I also hate every other physical flaw I have. I'm not gonna name them out because these are just plain embarrassing. These are flaws not many people have. And I absolutely hate them. I try to fix them, but nothing's working.

And despite this self-hatred, I'm still being reasonable. Everyone has their own insecurities and flaws, no one's perfect, blah blah blah, but for some reason I can't stop worrying about them and being self-conscious.

So there's my life right now. I'm glad I've gotten better though, I'm actually able to force myself to be productive now. Otherwise the next semester is going to absolutely suck.

Sense of belonging.

I used to think that I needed to be constantly obsessing over something for me to be happy or be productive. But I've come to realize that I just want a sense of belonging. I've always been proud of any community I've ever been in- be it being a Singaporean, a fellow YouTube fan, my sexual orientation, religion, or *cough* certain *cough* sexual fetishes *cough cough cough cough cough*.

I guess this comes from not wanting to feel so alone, and switching from being able to surround yourself with people, to just wanting to be all alone and enjoy the world in peace and quiet. So these communities are usually online. Sometimes I don't even need to socialize with these people, all I need to do is surround myself with them and watch other people be just as passionate about the same things as me.

It's great.