THE BEST DAY EVER. {Coming out} (Friday, 26 June 2015)

So today I went to Sentosa with Ng An today (not the best picture, it was for snapchat). My favourite place with my favourite person. So that was cool. Except I was so nervous and was still wondering whether or not I should do it today, but then I also wanted to do it somewhere nice and memorable since it's kind of an important moment in my life, her being the longest friendship I've ever had. I've already come out to myself, so I'm pretty comfortable with coming out to people whom I know 100% support lgbt. Anyway. I was absolutely terrified and kept trying to find the right moment to say it, and it was kind of split into two parts. "Would you be grossed out if I told you I'm not straight" and "I think I'm bi". But no, I don't think I'm bi. I just am.

So yes. I identify as bisexual, and I want my closest friends to know that. I would love to let my family know, but for now it just isn't safe. But this isn't a coming out story. Not yet, idk if I ever will. But anyway. After having a blast at Sentosa, I went to visit secondary school band camp (I don't have any photos, I'm sorry). A whole bunch of people were there, including our seniors. And I guess I used to be ever so slightly awkward around them, but today I managed to do pretty well ^^ But that wasn't exactly the highlight.

[Can I just say, being the paranoid af person that I am, I'll assume that family members + relatives might come across this, and if you're on my Dad's side, idgaf, you're kinda out of my life; if you're on my Mom's side, lol you don't really give a shit about me and I'm invisible to you anyways so dubaiiii]

Yee Ren, one of my closest friends that I met through band and sucking at chinese (aka chinese class for people who are shit at it), was there too, which was nice since it'd be my social nightmare to go alone with no one I'm socially comfortable with. He's the most hilarious, creative and talented person I will ever meet. Like honestly. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel lucky to have him as a close friend. And  we both talked about our shared sexualities and had a blast. We talked about our potential lgbt future, crushes, being in the lgbt community, and other hilarious things or serious-but-interesting things. But it was the first time I could be so open about my sexuality because even though I'd come out to other close friends, they didn't seem that comfortable or interested in that topic. So that was nice.

And to end off this day with a bang,

THERE IS NOW MARRIAGE EQUALITY IN ALL 50 STATES OF USA!!!!!!!!!

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes <3

Update: it got better

I MEAN COME ON HE'S THE CUTIE PATOOTIE FROM BUZZFEED AND I PRETTY MUCH FANGIRLED FOR IDK HOW LONG

Also it's incredible how much more inspired you can be when someone you look up to REPLIES TO YOUR TWEET AND CONGRATULATES YOU LIKE OMG

Empowering af. (Wednesday, 17 June 2015)

Connor Franta and Hannah Hart have really been a great source of inspiration these days. They talked about just going for it and living life to it's fullest. Challenging yourself to do something you're terrified of. Also, Joey Graceffa taught me that my friends and I should be challenging each other to grow as a person. And friends have their own lives to live, so maybe they're not there 24/7 and you have different schedules, so learn to enjoy your own company and be your own friend. Challenge yourself to grow.

So today I went out. Alone. It was terrifying at first, but it turned out to be really interesting. While waiting for the train I texted my friend for a bit which helped, because it made me feel a bit less alone. It was a good start to this personal challenge. I also had earpieces plugged in, switching in between Radical Face and Oh Wonder (recommended by Connor Franta).

First I brought a bottle of water to my Mom who was working part-time (temporarily) in retail. It was weird carrying the bottle around because it didn't fit in my bag. Yes, things as tiny and insignificant as this can affect me. I got on the train and this asshole wearing an incredibly misogynistic shirt walked in. My jaw nearly dropped. I was shocked and offended. I really wanted to walk up to him and give him a good talk, but lol not happening, I was getting off soon and well, this is Singapore. No one will probably stand by you and support you.

I like to hide in toilets when I need to stop and do something. And so I did, deleting my files from some 3Ds games before I went to sell them for $13 each. I figured I shouldn't bargain for more. He was probably just a regular staff member there and besides, I'm desperate for financial stability and those games were shit anyway. I carried on my little journey, with a few random bursts of anxiety here and there as I went to the cooler parts of Singapore where all the cool kids hang out. Whatever, I saw some hot/cute people here and there. I bought a shirt for like $13 because it was a 'special price' item and I had extra 10% member's discount. Thanks Mom. The staff member was really friendly too, which made things better.

It was at this point where I realized I had the ultimate freedom of going anywhere I wanted and going home at any time. It was at this point where I realized how empowering it was. I felt brave and proud of myself. I then started my mission to find some birthday gifts for my Mom, and came across incredibly tempting items on great sales. Damn you SG50 50% discounts. Because even though those precious items were at half-price, they were still above $7 and I felt like I couldn't afford it. Plus, I'd just sold my 3Ds games and I didn't want to spend that money so soon. Anyway. That freedom that I'd felt took over, and I thought about that one video I watched that encouraged viewers to go outside alone and visit places like parks, beaches, cinemas and museums. And so I headed over to the museum. It was really nice and fun, and I even wrote a letter for my Mom at the Leading Ladies exhibit since everyone else was doing it. Again, being alone gave me that freedom to write that letter. I didn't have to ask my company to do it with me or if he/she could wait for me while I wrote it. It was great.

At the end of it all, I'm slightly disappointed I didn't meet anyone or make any new friends because damn I'm thirsty. For anyone, really. But all in all, the experience was awesome. To be able to leave the house just to spend the day alone was really, really empowering and it was also proof to myself that I can overcome that laziness and do something productive and healthy for myself.

Do it.

Feelings. (Tuesday, 16 June 2015)

I've been in a relatively good mood these days, after reading two books in such a short period of time. I've never read books this quickly before. But watching some of Joey Graceffa's latest videos like this and this, I've found my new otp. Not just any regular ship, an otp.

Janiel. Just look at them. It melts my heart. And after reading Joey's book, I realized how much breakups suck and how unpredictable relationships can be. So as much as I ship them, I completely understand if the ship sinks and dies. Touch wood that it doesn't happen, but all I'm saying is no pressure, Joey.

I've been travelling a lot lately. Just going out the house and walking around and enjoying the world. Of course this contributed to my good mood, and at the same time I've been thinking a lot.

There's me sitting on a well, staring into the distance, thinking. Thinking about how I'd make an awesome photographer because it was my idea to take this particular photo. But in all seriousness. I've been thinking. Sadly, lgbt isn't very accepted in Singapore. Plus I'm living with a very homophobic father, which sucks. A lot. And I didn't get to go to pink dot sg, Singapore's version of gay pride. It'd be really cool for them to get rid of all the anti-lgbt laws and views, but then again most Singaporean lgbt people have moved out of the country just to be who they are. It's not a choice.

Maybe next year. I'll drag a friend or two along. Friends who support lgbt and not just simply "I'm not against it but I don't support it either, I just let them do whatever they want to do and ignore them." Which is sad. I met up with two other guys for a project. One was supportive and one wasn't. The other guy just kept expressing his disgust and confusion, since we've been taught to do so since young. Oh well. Maybe one day.

In Real Life and A Work In Progress.

Both really good books, one an autobiography and the other a memoir.

Autobiographies are great. I love them. They teach you a lot of things while telling you their life stories in a chronological order. In Real Life by Joey Graceffa made me cry. Now, I've never cried while reading a book. It was so relatable and he managed to describe personal childhood events that took place. It really made me connect with the book on an emotional level (clearly). I can't describe this awful feeling I related to from the book, you'll just have to read it to find out. He aslso came out as gay in his book, which I'm very happy and proud of him for doing so. He then went on to talk about dating and meeting people, which made reminded me even more that being in the LGBT community is 100% normal. Love is love, nothing is different. The Imitation Game showed me how important it is to support the LGBT community, and this book showed me how normal it really is.

Connor Franta's A Work in Progress was incredibly inspirational. If you know him, you'll know what his Instagram looks like and this book is written in the same style. It's beautiful. The title fits the book perfectly (and he described it the same way)- he's still young. He only talks about his experiences and what he's learned so far. He came out as gay online a year after he came out to himself. Maybe coming out is different from everyone, as Joey Graceffa says. We're all in different places, some where it's accepted by society and some where it's shamed and discriminated. After reading his book, I realized that he has a similar perception of the world to mine. Again, it's indescribable. You have to read it.

Now to save up for more autobiographies and memoirs.

Envy, part two.

I've already written a post about envy. This one's different.

Recently I've come across some seemingly lucky people. The rich, the famous, the popular. I don't hate on "filthy rich people", nor do I use that term often. I acknowledge that many of them have worked hard and many of them don't just mindlessly spend their money. The "financially stable with a decent disposable income" people I know are really thrifty and wise with their money, and I really do admire that.

And then there are the pure lucky ones. They're the relatives or children of famous, lovable celebrities who get to meet their celebrity friends and enjoy a glamorous life. However. This can only be done if they're actually cute and lovable.

This brings me to the next category of people whom I envy. Cute, lovable and popular people. Because unfortunately I've never been that kid. Well I was, but then when they realized I was a lot more mature than that and knew what they were up to and what was going on and hence started to rebel against unfavorable rules and the abuse of authority, I was seen as the typical teenage rebel and was no longer the center of attention. I've now turned into the awkward, tall, ugly teenager who still has residue of puberty lingering on my body. Don't get me wrong, I still love myself, but I still acknowledge my flaws and I'm trying to improve myself. Idk how the hell girls smell so nice. And honestly, having a nice figure is not worth suffocating my lungs for. I STILL TRY TO EXERCISE, IM WORKING ON IT.

I love Sundays. Because they're the only days I ever feel like I am able to live a life that's anyway similar to what I've just described. My Mom brings us to nice places to eat, shop and relax. It's really cool, especially when you feel so blessed and refreshed having just gotten out of a church service. I just wish this could be everyday of my life. I know that because Jesus loves me and He has given me unmerited favor and super abounding grace, I can live this ideal life, and I'm still believing in Him for a financially stable life where I don't have to worry about spending on basic needs like food and clothing. One day.

And clearly, I've got to help myself out as well. I need to work hard and achieve my own academic goals. One day.