Hi

Can I just talk about how I love street food? I mean I understand why Singapore government think it's unsanitary to have street food, but damn do I want it here. It's so beautiful to have great delicious snacks while casually strolling along. I'm sure streetfood is meant to be cheap, too. The scent, the atmosphere, the food- it's so great. I wish we had like just a small streetfood area in the outdoors somewhere. I'd go there.

That is all. Goodbye.

Cutting off friendships.

So I'm the kind of person who doesn't have many friends. I only need a few really good ones. And I really appreciate them. Or her. Just one her. (You know who you are)

Which is why it usually pains me when such friendships are cut off, because they all mean a lot to me. And I think I may be about to cut off one for the first time. Forever. Not just a fight, they're for children. Forever. I know it's probably the right choice to make, because it doesn't seem very healthy for me. I say that because I think about cutting this friendship off every time we have a conversation. That's not a very healthy friendship.

Recently, I was invited to a reunion by a bunch of secondary school friends. I got really excited and happy, because I felt like I'd just been validated by a bunch of people I've been subconciously trying to impress. I felt like I was good enough for them to remember me. But now I realise that these friends are merely mutual friends of the person I want to cut off. And the paranoia of him hurting me in front of all those people is making me realise that this meetup isn't worth it. I'd much rather enjoy being my introverted self.

I already have a mother with unpredictable moods and an explosive temper. I already have to deal with this anxiety at home. I don't see why I have to deal with this when it's merely my social life, when I'm an introvert. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to living my quiet life again. Which is why I've deleted the app we've been talking on, and muted him everywhere else. I know, not the boldest move. But it's something. 

FUCKING RELIGION.

So I was the one who wanted to attend church regularly ever since I was a kid. My parents' never obliged, because they thought I "wouldn't be able to wake up in time" (keeping in mind that there are services held later in the day). After my parents' divorce and my granddad's passing, we started attending a mega church.

The first few months were great, there was even one point where I had my "religious phase". I wasn't shoving religion down people's throats (at least I hope not), I was just unashamed of my religion. I attended the youth services for about a month before I got sick of the obnoxious teens there. In the midst of my depression and addictions, I went to church services alone at a cinema venue where I didn't really care about what the pastor was preaching and even got defensive about some of the messages. Then when I felt better, I went back to attending church with my Mom again. I even got baptised a few months ago, under my Mom's pressure and persuasion. I wasn't even ready. I had to shut off my emotions after being too nervous about it. I think some of the nerves came from watching a Bioshock Infinite gameplay where the pastor was baptising some dude and kept dunking his head under the water because he "wasn't clean enough", and I thought my pastor would never be done with me. I'm filthy.

As you can see, the whole religion thing has been a roller coaster. There were some religious days and there were some "fuck this shit" days. And while I still believe in the existence of a loving God, there is one thing that will never change- I'm always uncomfortable talking about my religion with other Christians. Unless we're discussing and debating logic and cool stories, I'm not going to share with you about my own personal relationship with this God. And unless you're the actual Jesus, don't you dare tell me what you think is the truth. Don't tell me what to feel or think. I appreciate your concern, but please don't pray with me, even if it's for me.

You see, my Mom is one of the people who shoves religion down other people's throats, especially mine. She tells me I'm not a "true Christian" because I don't do certain obsessive religious things. She thinks a lack of Christmas decorations are a sin. This is very clearly an invasion of my privacy. And so help me, if I hear one more religious sentence come out of her mouth, I'm going to explode. I'm going to stop going to church, and I'm going to write a very long post about why. The whole mega church thing is already playing a huge part of this decision.

We'll see what happens.

Not welcomed anywhere.

Sense of belonging is really important to me. It's the reason why I'm one hell of a patriotic Singaporean and why I (or at least used to) see myself as a decently loyal person. It's why I love all the communities on Tumblr. Why I love fandoms.

A little touchy and personal, but I don't feel like I belong in my own family. I feel like a fucking lone wolf. Both sides of the extended family hate me, and immediate family members like to fuck around with me and my feelings. As soon as I let my guard down, something reminds me to let it back up and trust no one. I have severe trust issues.

I leave a social group as soon as I get any of the slightest hints that I don't belong and they hate me. It's uncomfortable. The fact that I have no secure sense of belonging makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't belong anywhere. I suppose this is insecurity. And I hate it. As much as I enjoy my own company, I hate not having a home to go back to.

I don't belong anywhere. For now.

My social life.

Remember how I keep talking about envy? I suppose I'm a really envious person. And my envy for others is one reason why I decided that I would 'meet new people' during my first year in NYP. I see a lot of people with social lives and the thought of attending a beach party or a pool party or any party at all is just weirdly appealing, in a relaxed kind of way. I enjoy people and I enjoy the vibe of company. But I've come to realise that interacting with a large group of people is not my forte.

Whenever I tell someone that I genuinely enjoy my own company and I love being alone, they look at me like I'm a fucking psycho. But I do. I go for hour long walks at night on my own, I can't sleep without spending time alone with myself first, and I love running errands alone because it gives me a reason to get out of the house and spend some time 'alone'. What I mean by that, is that you could be surrounded by people but still be alone. Because you're not interacting with anyone or connecting with them on a deeper social level. And I find that very calming somehow.

But this isn't good for the portfolio/future résumé that I'm trying to beautify. I'm guessing that NYPSUJC is only recruiting extroverts with their own definition of leadership. I'm most definitely not an extrovert, and neither do I have charisma.  It's something I don't have much of. Knowing me, if I have something about myself I want to improve, I'll go find a way to do it and get it done. But do I want to be more charismatic? Yeah, sure. It'll make it easier to make friends, I think. But charismatic is something I'm not, and I treasure that fact sometimes. Do I want to change that? Who knows.

FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY AM I SO USELESS

You know, as much as I stand by the fact that the phrase 'Jack of all trades, master of none' is missing out the 'but better than a master of one' part, I'm still not satisfied with myself.

I've come to realize that I really am a perfectionist through and through. I hate it when things go wrong and I can't fix it. I spend extra time and effort making sure everything is perfect. Just last Friday I was doing a set of review questions for programming, and I got 10/15 right. But no, I wasn't about to just leave it at that and go about with my academic life. I needed the 15/15. The teacher suggested that while it was a multiple attempts review test, the system would only take the first score. But I still went ahead and didn't stop until I got my perfect score anyway.

I like to think that this somehow relates to my frustration that I'm not 100% good at anything. I can knit, kinda. I can play music, kinda. I know music theory, kinda. I can cook, take photos, code,  journal, analyze people's minds for fun- but these are merely just things I'm interested in, know a bit of, and never got anywhere with it. What's ironic is that I specialize in neither self-hatred nor self-love.

And yet all I do is complain about it. <-- Justification of my self-hatred

Weird mental health thing.

Everything is weird. It's like a flu that keeps coming back. I'm tired of this on and off thing. I'm tired of not having my thoughts straight. I'm tired of being two extreme versions of myself and switching back and forth with multiple flicks of a flu switch. I'm tired of not being able to access proper help like I used to.

Last night I wrote in my actual physical journal about how much it scares me to not hate all of this weird mental health thing. But one thing I do hate is anxiety. I hate worrying about things that don't matter to everyone but me. I hate worrying about people. People scare me and as much as I try to repress that feeling and put myself out there, it comes back.

Everything is weird, I'm tired, I hate everything but also not everything.