Bucket List #1

PLAY WITH TIGERS.

In the other post I talked about envy and this was one of the things that really made me regret quitting Music O's... BUT YOU GUYS (if there's anyone reading this, lol) I FOUND THE EXACT PLACE BECAUSE OUR QUEEN TYLER FRIGGIN OAKLEY TALKED ABOUT IT UGH I LOVE HIM

Look at dis how adorable is dis ermergherd i wants dat

Also check out Tyler because he's just... SLAAAAAAAAYY

youtube.com/tyleroakley

tyleroakley.tumblr.com

Also this is his Thailand vlog and this is the video where he talked about dem tigers. He is such a babe.

One day.

One day. I'm going to travel the world with a friend or some friends and imma vlog and use all that really cool and nice music to make the vlog seem really fun and exciting. This is kind of the stuff that keeps me alive right now, and also the reason I go through the school thing. I really just want to see the world someday.

That's usually what I mean by living life to the fullest. But even if I don't get to travel everywhere, life is still possible. By helping others out. I kinda want to do all the nice stuff for people whether or not they deserve it because I'm pretty damn sure we've all been hurt before and not all of us have fully healed from the shit we go through in life. (I was thinking about this after writing a Chinese compo today)

Changing opinions.

When I was little, I was very carefree. I always thought, why do I have to put in so much effort into looking pretty just so a guy can marry me? Can't I just find some random dude, marry and have kids? We'll probably get along somehow. Also I had no clue how sex worked yet. And of course, when I got older, that view changed.

I've never had a legit boyfriend so far, and don't really plan on anything for now. If it happens it happens. If it does it's after Os. But it probably won't happen. Except I've always been terrified of this whole boyfriend idea because I thought that if I was ever gonna accept someone as a boyfriend, he had to be a potential husband. Creepy and cheesy and disgusting, I know. Not sure why I had that opinion. But again, that's changed as well. I'll have a cuddle buddy, sure. ^^

Except, I'm still terrified of the whole boyfriend thing. It's so cheesy and people start teasing you and you can't get your mind off and shit like that... I can't emphasize on how cheesy it is. Honestly. And then there's bound to be some kind of a breakup, and no one knows which partner should initiate the breakup, it'll be awkward, idk if he still wants to be friends because he's probably a nice guy... And shit like that.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the whole boyfriend thing is such a hassle, but if a cute boy comes along... I don't mind. I'll probably adopt like a Tyler Oakley mindset. :P

A sense of belonging.

So I just got back from the YouTube Fan Fest and...

Yup.

I was shaking and couldn't get more/better pictures. And again, I just stood there in shock, awe, and whatever made me stand still. I would go on about how 'magical' that moment was and how his eyes were somehow very very pretty but that would be my annoying fangirl self.

Recently, the hashtag #tipsfornewyoutubefans trended worldwide on Twitter, and this happened:

And clearly I freaked out (I freak out a lot). But also, I kinda realized that this hashtag actually gave me a sense of belonging. I mean, not only was the fandom in on it, but so were the YouTubers. Sure you could say I'm too obsessed and/or addicted, but that was actually the first time I had a sense of belonging. I always feel left out everywhere else. Usually because 'everywhere else' is basically just school and I clearly was never a 'cool kid'. Again I could go on and whine about how I'm invisible and very forgettable to everyone I meet but no.

This is why I love the internet. You're looks are defined by your username and only your username. Sure people can still judge you depending on how good/bad it is, but at the very least, you can choose to use something more decent than twilight_fanzz15382. I mean, I got 'noticed by senpai' many times before and honestly, I actually feel the love. The love coming from the YouTubers, the love coming from the fandom, from everywhere. Online, when you're a fan, both the star and the fandom love you. When you're a fan, you get to be friends with other fans and no one will hate you, unless you're a hater.

So yes. I may dishona famry and I'm way too obsessed, this is actually the one thing keeping me going. Where else am I going to go?

Zoning out.

Again. Have you watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? If you have (or at least the trailer), you'd probably get what 'zoning out' means. Put simply, daydreaming.

Here I am, sitting at the bus stop, with my feet hanging above the ground. As I stare into space with my earphones blocking out the noise, I start dreaming about hovering above mountains and being among stars and clouds. A very cool experience.

Just a quick update. 

It's okay.

So I just wrote a massive blogpost about "how well I'm handling stuff" and a bunch of problems. Then I deleted it. Here's what I really want to say. To my future self.

It's okay.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to have self-pity once in a while. It's okay to love whatever you love. Nothing is cheesy. Cheesy is an opinion. It's okay to let go sometimes. I understand you're incredibly insecure but you have to let go once in a while. Let go of all the pain you think you can handle. You can't. Let it go, it's okay.

There. And yes I did shed a few tears. Because I'm an actual female. I'm a person, a human being. I'm allowed to. Besides, it's been a long time.