Cutting off friendships.

So I'm the kind of person who doesn't have many friends. I only need a few really good ones. And I really appreciate them. Or her. Just one her. (You know who you are)

Which is why it usually pains me when such friendships are cut off, because they all mean a lot to me. And I think I may be about to cut off one for the first time. Forever. Not just a fight, they're for children. Forever. I know it's probably the right choice to make, because it doesn't seem very healthy for me. I say that because I think about cutting this friendship off every time we have a conversation. That's not a very healthy friendship.

Recently, I was invited to a reunion by a bunch of secondary school friends. I got really excited and happy, because I felt like I'd just been validated by a bunch of people I've been subconciously trying to impress. I felt like I was good enough for them to remember me. But now I realise that these friends are merely mutual friends of the person I want to cut off. And the paranoia of him hurting me in front of all those people is making me realise that this meetup isn't worth it. I'd much rather enjoy being my introverted self.

I already have a mother with unpredictable moods and an explosive temper. I already have to deal with this anxiety at home. I don't see why I have to deal with this when it's merely my social life, when I'm an introvert. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to living my quiet life again. Which is why I've deleted the app we've been talking on, and muted him everywhere else. I know, not the boldest move. But it's something. 

FUCKING RELIGION.

So I was the one who wanted to attend church regularly ever since I was a kid. My parents' never obliged, because they thought I "wouldn't be able to wake up in time" (keeping in mind that there are services held later in the day). After my parents' divorce and my granddad's passing, we started attending a mega church.

The first few months were great, there was even one point where I had my "religious phase". I wasn't shoving religion down people's throats (at least I hope not), I was just unashamed of my religion. I attended the youth services for about a month before I got sick of the obnoxious teens there. In the midst of my depression and addictions, I went to church services alone at a cinema venue where I didn't really care about what the pastor was preaching and even got defensive about some of the messages. Then when I felt better, I went back to attending church with my Mom again. I even got baptised a few months ago, under my Mom's pressure and persuasion. I wasn't even ready. I had to shut off my emotions after being too nervous about it. I think some of the nerves came from watching a Bioshock Infinite gameplay where the pastor was baptising some dude and kept dunking his head under the water because he "wasn't clean enough", and I thought my pastor would never be done with me. I'm filthy.

As you can see, the whole religion thing has been a roller coaster. There were some religious days and there were some "fuck this shit" days. And while I still believe in the existence of a loving God, there is one thing that will never change- I'm always uncomfortable talking about my religion with other Christians. Unless we're discussing and debating logic and cool stories, I'm not going to share with you about my own personal relationship with this God. And unless you're the actual Jesus, don't you dare tell me what you think is the truth. Don't tell me what to feel or think. I appreciate your concern, but please don't pray with me, even if it's for me.

You see, my Mom is one of the people who shoves religion down other people's throats, especially mine. She tells me I'm not a "true Christian" because I don't do certain obsessive religious things. She thinks a lack of Christmas decorations are a sin. This is very clearly an invasion of my privacy. And so help me, if I hear one more religious sentence come out of her mouth, I'm going to explode. I'm going to stop going to church, and I'm going to write a very long post about why. The whole mega church thing is already playing a huge part of this decision.

We'll see what happens.