I just downloaded this app called Dayre which is some kind of social media platform but with blogs. Something like tumblr, except your blog's content is your personal life. Idk how to describe it. I'm bad at this. Anyway. I wanted to use it to stalk people I'm not closed to but am still interested in their daily lives. To see what they're up to these days. And because I was an awkward little shit who barely talked to these people, I remained anonymous. I'm sure they should be able to figure it out somehow since I'm following so many people who know each other, but whatevs.
And here's the thing. I just got back from trying to shop at Vivo City, looking at clothes I would probably never wear. Like seriously. I tried on this simple flowery shirt that I thought looked okay, but when I wore it, I looked like a cross-dressing dude. I DO NOT HAVE A DUDE'S BODY. My boobs may be small but there's a reason why I don't identify as a transgender male. But out of pure curiosity and slight suspicion, I looked up 'lesbian fashion' and... Well shit. This is kinda what I want to wear. To be a female but also kinda not. To be a female but also fuck shit up and own it.
Anyway. Back to Dayre. I stalked some people, most of them are girls, and one feminine dude, and damn. Everyone was socializing, having fun, and writing deep, typical teenager quotes. Listen. I would love to have that many friends and have a birthday party and take a bunch of cool photos. I would love to hang out with this many people at one time and be so chill with every single one of them. I would love to dress more feminine. I would love to have more feminine thoughts. But the truth is, that's just not me. As much as I'd love to hang out with that many people all at one go, I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's social anxiety, but I don't want to blame everything on mental illnesses (even though yes it's a thing to be taken seriously but STILL). I would love to become more feminine. That's why I try. But every time I walk into Topshop, Forever 21, or pretty much any clothing store that's very gender-based, I feel like I don't belong. I feel people judging me. Which, then again, is true. I don't belong. I'm not like these people. I just happen to not have that much estrogen in me.
Sigh. I always talk about loving yourself as you are, and I do. But do I want to change myself to become more feminine? I don't know.
